Not normal

Is this normal? Raised, bright red, swollen, bumpy skin under the hypoallergenic blood test tape?

Maybe next time I need to ask for an old-fashioned nasty band-aid. Do they even have them anymore at the labs? I'll bring my own from home.

(I know this is a gratitude blog and to tie everything in, I have to say I'm grateful for 'not normal'. Nothing seems to react as expected with my body. Hello 911? Yes, I just tried a smidgen of another new drug and its not going well... As so many lymies know, to say this is not only terribly frustrating but also terrifying is an understatement. However, I'm still grateful for 'not normal'. How would my mind be this open and my compassion and empathy be this large without all the lessons being an outlier has taught me?)

Licorice root tea

Hot sweet herbal tea is hitting the spot right now. Sore throat, chilled body... emotionally in decent shape, surprisingly. But craving some physical comfort. Mmmmm!

Licorice root tea is more than just my fave flavour of herbal tea, it's also healing for the adrenals. I just leave the bag in and it gets so deliciously strong and sweet. Heaven knows my lyme-stressed adrenals can use the nourishment. Although I don't have numbers for that yet. Went to the lab for an 8 am/4 pm cortisol blood test today. (So twice, went to the lab twice in one day... extra extra fun. Would it be okay if I took two numbers from the little paper take-a-number machine first thing in the morning? Puhleeeeeaaase???) Anyhow, I guess I'll find out results soon enough.

In the meantime, I'll be soothed and grateful for this wonderful tea!

***Note: this is not my fave mug. And it's not Christmas time right now, it's April - spring! However, it's by far our largest mug. :)

Hot water bottle

A dear super sweet friend whom I will be forever grateful to picked me up and drove me to kundalini yoga with her today. This is a big, big deal for me. I don't go to yoga. I don't go to the grocery store. As of late, a trek around the block has been nearly out of reach.

It felt so freakily familiar to be in a yoga class ...oddly dream-like too. I clearly remember a pre-lyme time when my body could do such things and loved moving those ways. It wanted almost nothing of the sort today though. Even sitting still and simply imagining the movements was also, for the most part, rejected. So naturally waves of grief repeatedly overtook me as I sat and lay, mostly resting, while the others moved through the poses. No stranger to grieving, I didn't fight it. Let the intensity flow. Watched it rise and fall.

This was interspersed with gorgeous moments where strong, peaceful energy overpowered me and my eyes dripped tears of relief, my chakras buzzed happily away ... thoroughly safe and lost in the loving vibe.

I was in full body lyme pain on the drive home from the wee bits of yoga my body had allowed, and even seemed to welcome, but there was peace in my heart. Went straight to bed. However, the rest I was hoping would restore me didn't come. Rather chills and pain, and then more of that. Hubbie brought me the hot water bottle eventually, and now, finally, a couple of hours later, my body temperature is starting to balance back out. Mmmmm.... Hot water bottle. :)

Not super willing to try getting out of bed soon, although I had planned to help the kids with homework. Pain and chills, headache and sore throat, dry eyes and malaise. Want to find that peace again. Please?

Puppy heater

I take an afternoon nap every day. Not really an option with the lyme fatigue. Also the headaches... sleep seems to reset me somewhat and dinner is more doable if I have slept.

My dogs get so excited as I finish up lunch: Are we going for a nap now?! Are we? Are we? Hooray! We loooove naps. They bounce around my legs, hyper-happy, like we are going to go for a walk.

I find it odd, but they really do this. Sometimes, when I get a bit depressed about having to spend even more time in bed, I just look down at them pleading with me to go curl up in bed and realize that hey maybe napping is actually pretty darn awesome. Something to be celebrated. Clearly, they say. Clearly!

My fave part is that my oldest dog, she's 15, insists on napping under the covers, curled right up tight against my back for afternoon nap time. Not at any other time of day - it's weird. But I love it. Her energy is soothing, as is the heat.

The difficult part then becomes convincing myself (and them!) to get back up.

Socks

My hands and feet get ridiculously cold. For no reason. Except maybe that this is Ontario and it has been the longest most brutal and drawn-out winter in years? ... Or it could be the lyme? Or low thyroid? Or genetic? I have actually been like this for as long as I can remember, although I don't think the lyme is helping matters. I spend 90% of my time shivering it seems. Argh!

So my sweetest of hubbies picked me up two luxurious pairs of MEC 100% wool socks. All winter I have layered them on top of my other socks. I keep them handy on the floor beside the bed so I can grab them in the middle of the night too. If both pairs are in the wash at the same time it stresses me out. Need the good socks! Although this usually isn't a problem. With the kids we end up doing laundry several times per week.

Yay for warm fuzzy super socks!

Quiet

Hanging out here, resting in bed... after supper. One kid already asleep in her room, the other watching hockey with her dad in the basement.

My bedside lamp casts a warm, comforting glow. It's quiet. So quiet and calm that the pups don't even look up when I shift positions. Everyone is content. I don't care about the pain in my body, or overwhelming fatigue in my head. Because I feel so peaceful.

Fuzzy blanket!

Today it's this warm, fuzzy beige blanket I'm grateful for. An odd material, I can't recall what it is actually made of. But it is comforting against my skin that is tender and sore to the touch. Strangely soothing to the nauseated-headache-y sensation that seems to have engulfed my entire being.

Writing this, I suddenly realize that it is like snuggling up to a giant, warm, lightweight teddy bear. No wonder it soothes!

Studying

As sick as I have been, I can sometimes still study in bed. I just have to do it in short bursts with lots of rest in between. No schedule, just heeding when and how much my body says is okay.

I'm learning about holistic nutrition to help me heal. And I've discovered an absolute passion along the way. Lucky, lucky me. :)

Being heard

Weary and perhaps a touch jaded, (a touch!?), I find myself unusually down this afternoon. An unexpected phone call plus some snail mail ruining what were hopeful expectations for my family's financial wellbeing in the upcoming months. Maybe years. Sigh.

And this on top of general body pain, headaches, insomnia, chills and sweats, teeth and jaw pain, insomnia, difficulty using my hands, and even vision problems all flared up more than usual - for 3 weeks now. Enough already! Although I know it's just the usual lyme fun, really.

So my gratitude for today? A quick phone chat with a sweet and kind hearted friend. She happens to be going through more than enough of her own stuff right now too.

We were both feeling unhinged, overwrought, and burdened with the urge to quickly make everything all better. But that's not how life works... lately it seems anyhow! So instead we shared some worries. Had a few laughs. Mixed things up with sheer bewilderment. There are no clear answers. No answers at all right now actually.

Both situations are still scary and depressing ...but now I'm smiling - just a little smile. I'll take that.

Just being heard can be healing enough for today. I hope she's smiling a little bit too.

My bedroom window

The sun is pouring in this morning after too many days of dark, cold and grey. Warming up spots on my bed. Heavenly.

My first post

Stuck in bed day after day can quickly turn to year after year with chronic illness. I have a lot of practice with this now yet it still blows my mind how difficult the journey is. I had no concept of how hard it could really be until it happened to me.

But... the silver lining. Dealing with the pain, exhaustion and social isolation of chronic Lyme disease for nearly four years now has led me to find joy and appreciation in the smallest of things. Maybe forced me is a better way of describing it. I was determined to find some way of finding good, and lots of it, in the midst of the physical and emotional pain that had taken over my life.

Chronic illness or not, I now believe that this is really what having a good life is about. Enjoying what is available to you from moment to moment. Letting go of the need for more, bigger, better. Letting go of comparing to what others may have, do or be. Letting go of the desperate need to escape where you are right now. I don't mean giving up on hopes or dreams. Hold on to those. Enjoy those! But at the same time, submit to the now and appreciate the beauty it too can offer.

This blog will be my journal of appreciation. A documentation of gratitude for little, regular, every day things. To celebrate on the days I am up for joy, and to remind me on the days I need reminding.