Return of the fog and receiving to heal

Day three of my next Mora and Cumanda rotation.  This is generally my mid-level difficulty rotation. If I was to rank them. :)  Currently, after 2.5 years of being on Cowden (and many other supplements and various meds of course) I find I have the best chance of feeling good on Samento and Banderol.  I rarely feel good on Mora and Cumanda, but it's not as bad as Enula and Houttunyia.  So we will see how these next few weeks go.

With the new rotation, I noticed almost right away that my brain fog levels went up.  And my 'get up and go' seems to have left me for the most part.  What I do ever have of it anyways.  I think I notice so much because I'm coming off the Samento and Banderol.  Where I have the most clarity in my head and the most energy in my body.  So the contrast is obvious and of course a little depressing.

But maybe it's time to once again take a conscious look at what gifts this lack of both energy and clarity bring?  It's better than the other choice...

It's not that I haven't considered the gifts of chronic lyme before.  I have, many times. On some occasions in a state of actual happiness.  On other days in total desperation for something, anything, positive to hang on to.  To make it through. It's the premise I began this blog with.  Gratitude.  Life opening up in a way it never could have before.  The gifts of chronic illness. 

So far, in between the masses of heartbreak, I have found the gifts to be many. Although I still don't trust 100% in the process of letting this journey take its course. I desperately want to.  Believe. Trust. Let go. ( But I can't always. Why can't I?  WHY???????????) I'm honestly there sometimes and then there are many moments when the doubt creeps in.  And I have to talk myself out of it. My hope is that someday I will be there, most of the time, in that state.  And be able to anchor myself in it - no matter what may be happening around me. 

I, like so many of the rest of us, have learned through my education, my career, my mere existence in North American society... that the way to live is to come up with goals and then quickly achieve them.  And I got really good at this.  (Well, I think so!).  I can plan, organize, and get things done like nobody's business.  If you need someone you can rely on to follow through and make stuff happen - I'm your gal.  Well, I used to be. 

And now I realize that it, life, is NOT up to me.  It's not really up to any of us of course.  We just live in a culture that makes us believe that we can (and absolutely should!) be in control.  So we grasp at that concept and live in massive subconscious fear that this precious control may be taken away from us.  When chronic illness hits and all the planning and intentions and fruits of one's labours go straight out the window it's one heck of a shock. So we grieve and, naturally, try desperately to regain domination over our lives.   

I freaked out initially upon diagnosis and did my fair share of grieving and grasping at threads of control.  I could no longer work, lost my home, lost my ability to parent, lost my social life, lost most hope of ever feeling less than tortured in my own body... you know the drill.  Health and financial concerns skyrocketed. I went over and over budget spreadsheets hoping to make them work somehow.  Thinking that if I put in enough effort I could magically make life turn out okay - at least on paper.

And what about now?  It took me maybe six months to start (baby steps!) learning how to let go. I'm getting better at it.  "To let go, and let God" as they say.  I do believe it's the answer.  Or at least a huge part of the answer.  (And I've given up enough that I no longer believe I can ever really 'know' the answer - and I'm good with that!). The true way to live one's life.  And honestly, at this point, what other choice do I really have if I don't want to agonize through each and every moment?

Anyhow, I have been following Life Beyond Lyme Lifestyle on Facebook the last while (https://www.facebook.com/LifeBeyondLyme) and Angela had this cool little quote that inspired me.  Apologies as I can't remember the first half of it AND I can't even seem to find it again, but the second half of it said something along the lines of 'you need to receive to heal'.   I have read so much about healing being about loving yourself.  And if you think you are loving yourself, you need to love yourself even more.  And I can understand that conceptually but at the same time it wasn't really super sinking in... in a way that touched me at my core.  This last statement did. 

So I'm watching now... watching for the ways I can receive.  For the gifts that are naturally there for me.  To love myself and nurture myself more.  To fill myself up so there is so much more to spill over and give to others. 

What does more brain fog, less clarity, and less energy offer up?  Well, less talking, less thinking, more silence, less doing, slowing down, more resting, more hanging out, less frantic and hectic, more peace and calm. And I'm here - in case anyone needs me.  Someone to talk to, to listen, to hear.  I'm available for the most part.

Except for when you're fighting FOMO, there aren't too many ways to go wrong with more peace and calm and being able to be there for your friends and family. :)

I'll keep watching.  And being grateful for these beautiful spiritual and life lessons I am receiving.

Still going... and being made fun of

Well, a week later and I'm still going on the 30 drops of the houttunyia and enula.  And herxing in a way that's turning me into more of a cray cray person than I usually am.  It's not nice.  It's making me mad.  Why am I still herxing so bad?????????

But... in all this awful sick-o madness, I can still find some gratitude.  Gratitude that I have been well enough - for long enough - to even be able to feel the difference.

I used to feel this bad all the time.  Tired, bone tired, like my head is a massive boulder tired and my body cannot be pried out of bed no matter how hard I try.  "Sick tired"!  (LOVE this post on 'sick tired' - describes tick borne illness fatigue incredibly well!) I actually used to feel much worse than this. So, it's super fantabulous good news really. (I remind myself of this frequently!)

But my attitude in general is extra pissy!  Dear hubbie came home from work the other day and my daughter told him, eying me up sideways, "She has been like this all day!  Complaining, whining.  I feel so bad.  I'm so tired.  I have to lie down.  AGAIN!".   She was right on the money about it all too. In my defense, I felt I held it together pretty well for getting them fed, out the door when I needed to, etc, etc.  All the little things you do that add up quickly to hours of work but that your kids don't even notice.  However, in between all that, I may just have complained several times.  It was actually pretty funny how she called me on it.

(HA!  I also have gratitude for when my kids make fun of me!!!)

However, it's been a month and a half on the same freakin' rotation and here I am herxing and herxing.  Up all night for a couple of nights in a row now too.  That twitchy bugs-crawling-all-over-you restless but exhausted feeling lasting until the wee hours of the morning.  Finally falling into blessed sleep only to have to awaken a couple of hours later to start up on all the sweet meds that are doing this to me... yet again.

Healing me.  Healing me!

Anyhow, there it is.  I am grumpy.  I am sick tired.  I am in need of an attitude change apparently.  My family is once again out enjoying the summer without me because I'm too sick to pull myself out of bed for any length of time.  (See, whiny lady!!) 

There is that gratitude though.  And I'm a little proud of myself too.  Proud of how I went through literally years of feeling this bad (worse) while sucking it up as much as possible and pushing through with a postive attitude for the most part.  Between the hours filled with worries and fear.  Learning to keep faith.  Learning to look at this minute, not the future.  Remembering to look at what I have now - and what I can do with that - versus looking at what I think I may have lost.

So, once again, I will not focus on the boredom or frustration, but will consciously relax as much as my anxious and twitchy body will let me.  Into the soft bed.  Into the pillows.  Breathing into the tight muscles and letting go of the headaches and body aches. I will enjoy the peace and quiet of a house to myself.  Look forward to the stories brought back to me from the world by my family. 

Okay not knowing

Turns out it wasn't the NT Factor causing my trouble. Too simple, perhaps?

After deciding late last night to go off this supplement again, I find myself lying in bed once more, 24 hrs later, with yet another pitch red, burning hot face and a headache/gross feeling to match. My throat burns when I swallow. And I have absolutely zero idea as to why.

I've had this happen in the past. A lot. My memory isn't great, but I seem to recall the burning up, fevered face look as a daily occurrence at least for the full first year of treatment. I got used to it. You have to get used to all the crazy symptoms, pretend that they are just normal in their own special way, and get on with whatever you are doing. Which of course is probably mostly just lying in bed trying hard to get through and survive this insane and horrid experience.

But it's just an experience. It too will pass. Someday.

I hope and keep the faith that it really will. And if it doesn't, maybe I can manage that too. I have somehow managed this far.

So I don't know why this is happening again now. And I don't need to. I have come to the point where I am okay with not knowing all the answers. If I happen upon a good guess I will follow through and see what happens. But I no longer go crazy with not knowing. I lie down when my body asks me to rest. And get up again either when I must, or when my body lets me know it is time.

I am so grateful to be in a place, finally, finally, finally, where I am usually okay with not knowing. Peace.

Hot water bottle

A dear super sweet friend whom I will be forever grateful to picked me up and drove me to kundalini yoga with her today. This is a big, big deal for me. I don't go to yoga. I don't go to the grocery store. As of late, a trek around the block has been nearly out of reach.

It felt so freakily familiar to be in a yoga class ...oddly dream-like too. I clearly remember a pre-lyme time when my body could do such things and loved moving those ways. It wanted almost nothing of the sort today though. Even sitting still and simply imagining the movements was also, for the most part, rejected. So naturally waves of grief repeatedly overtook me as I sat and lay, mostly resting, while the others moved through the poses. No stranger to grieving, I didn't fight it. Let the intensity flow. Watched it rise and fall.

This was interspersed with gorgeous moments where strong, peaceful energy overpowered me and my eyes dripped tears of relief, my chakras buzzed happily away ... thoroughly safe and lost in the loving vibe.

I was in full body lyme pain on the drive home from the wee bits of yoga my body had allowed, and even seemed to welcome, but there was peace in my heart. Went straight to bed. However, the rest I was hoping would restore me didn't come. Rather chills and pain, and then more of that. Hubbie brought me the hot water bottle eventually, and now, finally, a couple of hours later, my body temperature is starting to balance back out. Mmmmm.... Hot water bottle. :)

Not super willing to try getting out of bed soon, although I had planned to help the kids with homework. Pain and chills, headache and sore throat, dry eyes and malaise. Want to find that peace again. Please?