Well, a week later and I'm still going on the 30 drops of the houttunyia and enula. And herxing in a way that's turning me into more of a cray cray person than I usually am. It's not nice. It's making me mad. Why am I still herxing so bad?????????
But... in all this awful sick-o madness, I can still find some gratitude. Gratitude that I have been well enough - for long enough - to even be able to feel the difference.
I used to feel this bad all the time. Tired, bone tired, like my head is a massive boulder tired and my body cannot be pried out of bed no matter how hard I try. "Sick tired"! (LOVE this post on 'sick tired' - describes tick borne illness fatigue incredibly well!) I actually used to feel much worse than this. So, it's super fantabulous good news really. (I remind myself of this frequently!)
But my attitude in general is extra pissy! Dear hubbie came home from work the other day and my daughter told him, eying me up sideways, "She has been like this all day! Complaining, whining. I feel so bad. I'm so tired. I have to lie down. AGAIN!". She was right on the money about it all too. In my defense, I felt I held it together pretty well for getting them fed, out the door when I needed to, etc, etc. All the little things you do that add up quickly to hours of work but that your kids don't even notice. However, in between all that, I may just have complained several times. It was actually pretty funny how she called me on it.
(HA! I also have gratitude for when my kids make fun of me!!!)
However, it's been a month and a half on the same freakin' rotation and here I am herxing and herxing. Up all night for a couple of nights in a row now too. That twitchy bugs-crawling-all-over-you restless but exhausted feeling lasting until the wee hours of the morning. Finally falling into blessed sleep only to have to awaken a couple of hours later to start up on all the sweet meds that are doing this to me... yet again.
Healing me. Healing me!
Anyhow, there it is. I am grumpy. I am sick tired. I am in need of an attitude change apparently. My family is once again out enjoying the summer without me because I'm too sick to pull myself out of bed for any length of time. (See, whiny lady!!)
There is that gratitude though. And I'm a little proud of myself too. Proud of how I went through literally years of feeling this bad (worse) while sucking it up as much as possible and pushing through with a postive attitude for the most part. Between the hours filled with worries and fear. Learning to keep faith. Learning to look at this minute, not the future. Remembering to look at what I have now - and what I can do with that - versus looking at what I think I may have lost.
So, once again, I will not focus on the boredom or frustration, but will consciously relax as much as my anxious and twitchy body will let me. Into the soft bed. Into the pillows. Breathing into the tight muscles and letting go of the headaches and body aches. I will enjoy the peace and quiet of a house to myself. Look forward to the stories brought back to me from the world by my family.
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