Well, a week later and I'm still going on the 30 drops of the houttunyia and enula. And herxing in a way that's turning me into more of a cray cray person than I usually am. It's not nice. It's making me mad. Why am I still herxing so bad?????????
But... in all this awful sick-o madness, I can still find some gratitude. Gratitude that I have been well enough - for long enough - to even be able to feel the difference.
I used to feel this bad all the time. Tired, bone tired, like my head is a massive boulder tired and my body cannot be pried out of bed no matter how hard I try. "Sick tired"! (LOVE this post on 'sick tired' - describes tick borne illness fatigue incredibly well!) I actually used to feel much worse than this. So, it's super fantabulous good news really. (I remind myself of this frequently!)
But my attitude in general is extra pissy! Dear hubbie came home from work the other day and my daughter told him, eying me up sideways, "She has been like this all day! Complaining, whining. I feel so bad. I'm so tired. I have to lie down. AGAIN!". She was right on the money about it all too. In my defense, I felt I held it together pretty well for getting them fed, out the door when I needed to, etc, etc. All the little things you do that add up quickly to hours of work but that your kids don't even notice. However, in between all that, I may just have complained several times. It was actually pretty funny how she called me on it.
(HA! I also have gratitude for when my kids make fun of me!!!)
However, it's been a month and a half on the same freakin' rotation and here I am herxing and herxing. Up all night for a couple of nights in a row now too. That twitchy bugs-crawling-all-over-you restless but exhausted feeling lasting until the wee hours of the morning. Finally falling into blessed sleep only to have to awaken a couple of hours later to start up on all the sweet meds that are doing this to me... yet again.
Healing me. Healing me!
Anyhow, there it is. I am grumpy. I am sick tired. I am in need of an attitude change apparently. My family is once again out enjoying the summer without me because I'm too sick to pull myself out of bed for any length of time. (See, whiny lady!!)
There is that gratitude though. And I'm a little proud of myself too. Proud of how I went through literally years of feeling this bad (worse) while sucking it up as much as possible and pushing through with a postive attitude for the most part. Between the hours filled with worries and fear. Learning to keep faith. Learning to look at this minute, not the future. Remembering to look at what I have now - and what I can do with that - versus looking at what I think I may have lost.
So, once again, I will not focus on the boredom or frustration, but will consciously relax as much as my anxious and twitchy body will let me. Into the soft bed. Into the pillows. Breathing into the tight muscles and letting go of the headaches and body aches. I will enjoy the peace and quiet of a house to myself. Look forward to the stories brought back to me from the world by my family.
Showing posts with label appreciation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label appreciation. Show all posts
Friday, August 2, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
progress and pauses...
Well, I've hit the threshold of my 'go slow' idea with the Cowden Support Protocol. I just hit 26 drops on my most recent Cumanda and Mora rotation and I have been herxing for 2 days now. Red face, swollen glands and throat, wicked headache, body aches, not sleeping well, fatigue, irritability. Up until now though - up to 25 drops - I was doing pretty well! As well as I ever do. I was increasing drops about every 2.5 to 3 days. Versus every 1.5 to 2 days like I normally try to do.
So... will the theory still work? Do I just need to slow down? Maybe go from 25 to 30 drops by increasing by 1 drop every 3 or 4 days? I don't know... I will continue to experiment. I'm not going to drop down to 25 drops to get through this herx though. I'll wait it out. Lots of detoxing. Water, smoothies, green juice, fewer grains, rest. Grains really seem to trip me up. Especially at dinner.
Half an hour after dinner the last 2 nights and I feel terrible. I don't know if it's from eating - and the extra energy my body must use to digest the food. Or whether it would happen regardless of eating - as I tend to have symptoms worsen as the day progresses anyhow.
Doesn't matter. I'll keep trekking along and see if I can play with this to reduce the herxing.
After mentioning some of this to a friend yesterday, I had her ask me how I do this. How I get through each day living with chronic lyme disease. Trying to live while feeling like I have a horrible flu most days. And just a mild flu on the few and far between excellent days. I deeply understand the question - the suicide rate for chronic lyme is very high. It's a hard disease to face day after day, year after year.
And I'm not entirely sure how I do it. Or if I'm getting better at it. I hope so. There is less panic than during the time I was misdiagnosed, and also less than during the first brutal six months to a year after diagnosis and starting treatment. But I am better physically now than I was then too. Which makes it easier to keep it together emotionally.
I take things a day at a time. Because thinking about the future and the past can both freak me out if I am not careful. There is so much grief, and there are so many unknowns for the future. I do know that I like life and I don't want to give up. I'm not ready to be done yet. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do - facing what feels like endless days (and often endless nights) with symptoms that are very uncomfortable at best and terrifying at their worst. And of course you never know, one day to the next, what you'll be facing symptom-wise. Sometimes I can give an educated guess. But generally they continue to surprise me.
After plenty of thought, I finally realized that this is really no different than what anyone has to face being in a human body here on earth. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. Most of us have had difficult times in the past. Most of us are dealing with daily challenges of some sort.
Chronic illness is a unique challenge of course. And I expect there are both similarities and differences in how all those going through it handle it emotionally. For me, to get through and not go absolutely cuckoo bananas, I constantly bring my mind back to positives. To gratitude for what I DO have. Versus being non-stop upset about the losses. The losses are constant of course. From not being able to travel to an important family event, to losing your temper with your kids, gaining control, and losing it again within a span of 3 minutes. Over and over and over. Thank you lyme rage!
I can't compare myself or my life with anyone else if I want to stay in a good place emotionally - who I used to be, what I want to be, how my friends or neighbours are, how my family is. It is too hard and makes me feel bad. So I stay as much as I can in the now and in gratitude.
Today, gratitude includes that my fingers are mostly cooperating to type. Gratitude that I can share these thoughts in hope that they may ease someone else's journey - just knowing we're not alone - there are others out there going through hard stuff. Impossible to comprehend hard stuff. Gratitude that while I can't take my children out to do something today (it's a school PD day), that I can at least sit here in the house with them. Gratitude they have a mom. Gratitude for looking out the window at the vibrant colours of the grass, trees and plants in my yard.
The little stuff that is really the huge stuff.
This is my life right now. And it's amazing when I choose to let go of the fear and focus directly on the wonder and sheer fun of it. So a lot of the time I do.
So... will the theory still work? Do I just need to slow down? Maybe go from 25 to 30 drops by increasing by 1 drop every 3 or 4 days? I don't know... I will continue to experiment. I'm not going to drop down to 25 drops to get through this herx though. I'll wait it out. Lots of detoxing. Water, smoothies, green juice, fewer grains, rest. Grains really seem to trip me up. Especially at dinner.
Half an hour after dinner the last 2 nights and I feel terrible. I don't know if it's from eating - and the extra energy my body must use to digest the food. Or whether it would happen regardless of eating - as I tend to have symptoms worsen as the day progresses anyhow.
Doesn't matter. I'll keep trekking along and see if I can play with this to reduce the herxing.
After mentioning some of this to a friend yesterday, I had her ask me how I do this. How I get through each day living with chronic lyme disease. Trying to live while feeling like I have a horrible flu most days. And just a mild flu on the few and far between excellent days. I deeply understand the question - the suicide rate for chronic lyme is very high. It's a hard disease to face day after day, year after year.
And I'm not entirely sure how I do it. Or if I'm getting better at it. I hope so. There is less panic than during the time I was misdiagnosed, and also less than during the first brutal six months to a year after diagnosis and starting treatment. But I am better physically now than I was then too. Which makes it easier to keep it together emotionally.
I take things a day at a time. Because thinking about the future and the past can both freak me out if I am not careful. There is so much grief, and there are so many unknowns for the future. I do know that I like life and I don't want to give up. I'm not ready to be done yet. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do - facing what feels like endless days (and often endless nights) with symptoms that are very uncomfortable at best and terrifying at their worst. And of course you never know, one day to the next, what you'll be facing symptom-wise. Sometimes I can give an educated guess. But generally they continue to surprise me.
After plenty of thought, I finally realized that this is really no different than what anyone has to face being in a human body here on earth. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. Most of us have had difficult times in the past. Most of us are dealing with daily challenges of some sort.
Chronic illness is a unique challenge of course. And I expect there are both similarities and differences in how all those going through it handle it emotionally. For me, to get through and not go absolutely cuckoo bananas, I constantly bring my mind back to positives. To gratitude for what I DO have. Versus being non-stop upset about the losses. The losses are constant of course. From not being able to travel to an important family event, to losing your temper with your kids, gaining control, and losing it again within a span of 3 minutes. Over and over and over. Thank you lyme rage!
I can't compare myself or my life with anyone else if I want to stay in a good place emotionally - who I used to be, what I want to be, how my friends or neighbours are, how my family is. It is too hard and makes me feel bad. So I stay as much as I can in the now and in gratitude.
Today, gratitude includes that my fingers are mostly cooperating to type. Gratitude that I can share these thoughts in hope that they may ease someone else's journey - just knowing we're not alone - there are others out there going through hard stuff. Impossible to comprehend hard stuff. Gratitude that while I can't take my children out to do something today (it's a school PD day), that I can at least sit here in the house with them. Gratitude they have a mom. Gratitude for looking out the window at the vibrant colours of the grass, trees and plants in my yard.
The little stuff that is really the huge stuff.
This is my life right now. And it's amazing when I choose to let go of the fear and focus directly on the wonder and sheer fun of it. So a lot of the time I do.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
My first post
Stuck in bed day after day can quickly turn to year after year with chronic illness. I have a lot of practice with this now yet it still blows my mind how difficult the journey is. I had no concept of how hard it could really be until it happened to me.
But... the silver lining. Dealing with the pain, exhaustion and social isolation of chronic Lyme disease for nearly four years now has led me to find joy and appreciation in the smallest of things. Maybe forced me is a better way of describing it. I was determined to find some way of finding good, and lots of it, in the midst of the physical and emotional pain that had taken over my life.
Chronic illness or not, I now believe that this is really what having a good life is about. Enjoying what is available to you from moment to moment. Letting go of the need for more, bigger, better. Letting go of comparing to what others may have, do or be. Letting go of the desperate need to escape where you are right now. I don't mean giving up on hopes or dreams. Hold on to those. Enjoy those! But at the same time, submit to the now and appreciate the beauty it too can offer.
This blog will be my journal of appreciation. A documentation of gratitude for little, regular, every day things. To celebrate on the days I am up for joy, and to remind me on the days I need reminding.
But... the silver lining. Dealing with the pain, exhaustion and social isolation of chronic Lyme disease for nearly four years now has led me to find joy and appreciation in the smallest of things. Maybe forced me is a better way of describing it. I was determined to find some way of finding good, and lots of it, in the midst of the physical and emotional pain that had taken over my life.
Chronic illness or not, I now believe that this is really what having a good life is about. Enjoying what is available to you from moment to moment. Letting go of the need for more, bigger, better. Letting go of comparing to what others may have, do or be. Letting go of the desperate need to escape where you are right now. I don't mean giving up on hopes or dreams. Hold on to those. Enjoy those! But at the same time, submit to the now and appreciate the beauty it too can offer.
This blog will be my journal of appreciation. A documentation of gratitude for little, regular, every day things. To celebrate on the days I am up for joy, and to remind me on the days I need reminding.
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