Caregiving continued... Heart attack scare

Things have been crazy again... and I am not keeping up with this blog.  I didn't foresee this last scare happening, but then I look at my last post about my sweet hubbie and his caregiving role and think, 'How could I have NOT foreseen it?!?'.

Oh yeah, maybe the brain fog and feeling sick all the time and just how ridiculously hard it is simply getting the family through each and every single day in one piece.  That could be why I didn't foresee it. Maybe. 

Two fridays ago, I had to call 911 as DH thought he was having a heart attack.  Massive pain, sweating, nausea, numbness in his arms... the whole experience.  It was intense and scary.  My adrenalin levels didn't fall for a good 12 hours afterwards.  And I have to say I'm usually really really solid in such situations.  (Of course I am!  Of course DH is too!).  Anyhoo, to make a long story short, we had the paramedics come (they were great - always love the paramedics!!), then they took him to the hospital for tests... and... tada - no heart attack - hooray! 

Turns out it was an anxiety attack from stress. 

The paramedics asked him if he was under stress, the hospital did too.  His doctor, in this follow-up appointment, asked if he was under stress.  It comes across as such a ludicrous question to someone in our situation.  How does one even begin to answer that question when it's been literally years of non-stop spirit-breaking complete-exhaustion-inducing stress?  Caretaker for a partner with chronic lyme?  Essentially a single dad, with mom hanging around sick ALL the time.  Serious money worries.  Ridiculous concern as to what the future holds. Even just the basic 'nothing 'fun' to look forward to'. Ever.  Can't travel as too sick.  Can't go on vacation because of no money.  A staycation would be great, and it's what we do, but I can't actually DO much of anything on one.  And the kids get grumpy and he gets the brunt of it all.  Always.

So I think he looked at the floor and said 'yes, I am under some stress'.

Geesh.

When will it stop?  It could be years. It could be forever like this.  We don't know. We can't know.

We're doing what we can to improve things for him.  Making sure he gets sleep and he starts to exercise again.  We can do this.  Small stuff.

I hope it's enough.

fabulous biking, no progress on the drops

Here I am almost a week after my last post and I have not been able to increase my Cowden antimicrobial rotation drops at all.  I'm still at 28 drops!

Symptoms seem a bit stronger than earlier too.  But I'm not sure.  How can you be sure when there are so many symptoms in your body and they are so strong, yet so subtle.  I say 'subtle' because I am convinced I ignore most of what is going on symptom-wise most of the time.  This isn't to say that I don't take care of my body (+ mind + spirit!) in the absolute best way I know how on any given day.  But if I focused on the symptoms, I have little doubt that I would go out of my mind with frustration and suffering.

On second thought, I may have actually already gone out of my mind with frustration and suffering even without focusing on them.  HA!

Anyhow, is a week at 28 drops okay????  Am I doing this wrong?????  When will I feel well enough, confident enough, to increase again?  How many freaking weeks will it take me to get to 30 drops???? I can't know.  So I just keep moving forward (or not, HA again!) day by day.  We have been on short little bike rides every day or two.  Still 100% in love with it.  I can only ride on smooth pathways - bumpy roads are agonizing.  But we live near a gorgeous bike path next to a river.  So, how about that awesomeness??!!  Lucky.  But what I mean to say when I talk about the bike is that maybe it's not the 28 drops, but rather the new activity that is keeping me at this level of meds.  Maybe it's a combo.  Maybe the biking has nothing to do with it.  Again, who knows?

Grateful for the tandem bike loan.  Grateful for the bike path.  Grateful I have a husband who is willing to do all the work on the bike - essentially towing me along until someday I have regained the endurance, strength, balance and judgement to be able to ride on my own again.  Grateful I can bike alongside the kids for the first time in half of their lives. Grateful that it doesn't matter if I ever get that well again - I can still bike!

And hoping that these days of 28 drops on Houttunyia and Enula are doing great, great things in my body.

Okay not knowing

Turns out it wasn't the NT Factor causing my trouble. Too simple, perhaps?

After deciding late last night to go off this supplement again, I find myself lying in bed once more, 24 hrs later, with yet another pitch red, burning hot face and a headache/gross feeling to match. My throat burns when I swallow. And I have absolutely zero idea as to why.

I've had this happen in the past. A lot. My memory isn't great, but I seem to recall the burning up, fevered face look as a daily occurrence at least for the full first year of treatment. I got used to it. You have to get used to all the crazy symptoms, pretend that they are just normal in their own special way, and get on with whatever you are doing. Which of course is probably mostly just lying in bed trying hard to get through and survive this insane and horrid experience.

But it's just an experience. It too will pass. Someday.

I hope and keep the faith that it really will. And if it doesn't, maybe I can manage that too. I have somehow managed this far.

So I don't know why this is happening again now. And I don't need to. I have come to the point where I am okay with not knowing all the answers. If I happen upon a good guess I will follow through and see what happens. But I no longer go crazy with not knowing. I lie down when my body asks me to rest. And get up again either when I must, or when my body lets me know it is time.

I am so grateful to be in a place, finally, finally, finally, where I am usually okay with not knowing. Peace.