After publishing that last post 5 minutes ago about how well I am doing, I just scanned back over the blog and realized I started my current Cumanda/Mora rotation mid-Sept. And today, as I type, I'm still on that same rotation and only up to 25 drops. I started on 20.
So I'm going slow. Terribly SLOW. I hope that is okay. I hope it's not making me feel artificially 'good' when really I should be increasing my drops faster. But when I do, I herx a tonne. And as I just mentioned in that last post, my head feels like crap even at this rate. Sigh.
Hmmm. I don't know. I think I need to switch out to my next Cowden rotation in the next few days. 6 weeks seems like a long time to be on a single rotation - especially now that I'm on these maintenance rotations.
I will ask my doctor, but I don't think she knows either. Trial and error. Just not keen on the error part - this is a long journey without it!
Showing posts with label mora. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mora. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Return of the fog and receiving to heal
Day three of my next Mora and Cumanda rotation. This is generally my mid-level difficulty rotation. If I was to rank them. :) Currently, after 2.5 years of being on Cowden (and many other supplements and various meds of course) I find I have the best chance of feeling good on Samento and Banderol. I rarely feel good on Mora and Cumanda, but it's not as bad as Enula and Houttunyia. So we will see how these next few weeks go.
With the new rotation, I noticed almost right away that my brain fog levels went up. And my 'get up and go' seems to have left me for the most part. What I do ever have of it anyways. I think I notice so much because I'm coming off the Samento and Banderol. Where I have the most clarity in my head and the most energy in my body. So the contrast is obvious and of course a little depressing.
But maybe it's time to once again take a conscious look at what gifts this lack of both energy and clarity bring? It's better than the other choice...
It's not that I haven't considered the gifts of chronic lyme before. I have, many times. On some occasions in a state of actual happiness. On other days in total desperation for something, anything, positive to hang on to. To make it through. It's the premise I began this blog with. Gratitude. Life opening up in a way it never could have before. The gifts of chronic illness.
So far, in between the masses of heartbreak, I have found the gifts to be many. Although I still don't trust 100% in the process of letting this journey take its course. I desperately want to. Believe. Trust. Let go. ( But I can't always. Why can't I? WHY???????????) I'm honestly there sometimes and then there are many moments when the doubt creeps in. And I have to talk myself out of it. My hope is that someday I will be there, most of the time, in that state. And be able to anchor myself in it - no matter what may be happening around me.
I, like so many of the rest of us, have learned through my education, my career, my mere existence in North American society... that the way to live is to come up with goals and then quickly achieve them. And I got really good at this. (Well, I think so!). I can plan, organize, and get things done like nobody's business. If you need someone you can rely on to follow through and make stuff happen - I'm your gal. Well, I used to be.
And now I realize that it, life, is NOT up to me. It's not really up to any of us of course. We just live in a culture that makes us believe that we can (and absolutely should!) be in control. So we grasp at that concept and live in massive subconscious fear that this precious control may be taken away from us. When chronic illness hits and all the planning and intentions and fruits of one's labours go straight out the window it's one heck of a shock. So we grieve and, naturally, try desperately to regain domination over our lives.
I freaked out initially upon diagnosis and did my fair share of grieving and grasping at threads of control. I could no longer work, lost my home, lost my ability to parent, lost my social life, lost most hope of ever feeling less than tortured in my own body... you know the drill. Health and financial concerns skyrocketed. I went over and over budget spreadsheets hoping to make them work somehow. Thinking that if I put in enough effort I could magically make life turn out okay - at least on paper.
And what about now? It took me maybe six months to start (baby steps!) learning how to let go. I'm getting better at it. "To let go, and let God" as they say. I do believe it's the answer. Or at least a huge part of the answer. (And I've given up enough that I no longer believe I can ever really 'know' the answer - and I'm good with that!). The true way to live one's life. And honestly, at this point, what other choice do I really have if I don't want to agonize through each and every moment?
Anyhow, I have been following Life Beyond Lyme Lifestyle on Facebook the last while (https://www.facebook.com/LifeBeyondLyme) and Angela had this cool little quote that inspired me. Apologies as I can't remember the first half of it AND I can't even seem to find it again, but the second half of it said something along the lines of 'you need to receive to heal'. I have read so much about healing being about loving yourself. And if you think you are loving yourself, you need to love yourself even more. And I can understand that conceptually but at the same time it wasn't really super sinking in... in a way that touched me at my core. This last statement did.
So I'm watching now... watching for the ways I can receive. For the gifts that are naturally there for me. To love myself and nurture myself more. To fill myself up so there is so much more to spill over and give to others.
What does more brain fog, less clarity, and less energy offer up? Well, less talking, less thinking, more silence, less doing, slowing down, more resting, more hanging out, less frantic and hectic, more peace and calm. And I'm here - in case anyone needs me. Someone to talk to, to listen, to hear. I'm available for the most part.
Except for when you're fighting FOMO, there aren't too many ways to go wrong with more peace and calm and being able to be there for your friends and family. :)
I'll keep watching. And being grateful for these beautiful spiritual and life lessons I am receiving.
With the new rotation, I noticed almost right away that my brain fog levels went up. And my 'get up and go' seems to have left me for the most part. What I do ever have of it anyways. I think I notice so much because I'm coming off the Samento and Banderol. Where I have the most clarity in my head and the most energy in my body. So the contrast is obvious and of course a little depressing.
But maybe it's time to once again take a conscious look at what gifts this lack of both energy and clarity bring? It's better than the other choice...
It's not that I haven't considered the gifts of chronic lyme before. I have, many times. On some occasions in a state of actual happiness. On other days in total desperation for something, anything, positive to hang on to. To make it through. It's the premise I began this blog with. Gratitude. Life opening up in a way it never could have before. The gifts of chronic illness.
So far, in between the masses of heartbreak, I have found the gifts to be many. Although I still don't trust 100% in the process of letting this journey take its course. I desperately want to. Believe. Trust. Let go. ( But I can't always. Why can't I? WHY???????????) I'm honestly there sometimes and then there are many moments when the doubt creeps in. And I have to talk myself out of it. My hope is that someday I will be there, most of the time, in that state. And be able to anchor myself in it - no matter what may be happening around me.
I, like so many of the rest of us, have learned through my education, my career, my mere existence in North American society... that the way to live is to come up with goals and then quickly achieve them. And I got really good at this. (Well, I think so!). I can plan, organize, and get things done like nobody's business. If you need someone you can rely on to follow through and make stuff happen - I'm your gal. Well, I used to be.
And now I realize that it, life, is NOT up to me. It's not really up to any of us of course. We just live in a culture that makes us believe that we can (and absolutely should!) be in control. So we grasp at that concept and live in massive subconscious fear that this precious control may be taken away from us. When chronic illness hits and all the planning and intentions and fruits of one's labours go straight out the window it's one heck of a shock. So we grieve and, naturally, try desperately to regain domination over our lives.
I freaked out initially upon diagnosis and did my fair share of grieving and grasping at threads of control. I could no longer work, lost my home, lost my ability to parent, lost my social life, lost most hope of ever feeling less than tortured in my own body... you know the drill. Health and financial concerns skyrocketed. I went over and over budget spreadsheets hoping to make them work somehow. Thinking that if I put in enough effort I could magically make life turn out okay - at least on paper.
And what about now? It took me maybe six months to start (baby steps!) learning how to let go. I'm getting better at it. "To let go, and let God" as they say. I do believe it's the answer. Or at least a huge part of the answer. (And I've given up enough that I no longer believe I can ever really 'know' the answer - and I'm good with that!). The true way to live one's life. And honestly, at this point, what other choice do I really have if I don't want to agonize through each and every moment?
Anyhow, I have been following Life Beyond Lyme Lifestyle on Facebook the last while (https://www.facebook.com/LifeBeyondLyme) and Angela had this cool little quote that inspired me. Apologies as I can't remember the first half of it AND I can't even seem to find it again, but the second half of it said something along the lines of 'you need to receive to heal'. I have read so much about healing being about loving yourself. And if you think you are loving yourself, you need to love yourself even more. And I can understand that conceptually but at the same time it wasn't really super sinking in... in a way that touched me at my core. This last statement did.
So I'm watching now... watching for the ways I can receive. For the gifts that are naturally there for me. To love myself and nurture myself more. To fill myself up so there is so much more to spill over and give to others.
What does more brain fog, less clarity, and less energy offer up? Well, less talking, less thinking, more silence, less doing, slowing down, more resting, more hanging out, less frantic and hectic, more peace and calm. And I'm here - in case anyone needs me. Someone to talk to, to listen, to hear. I'm available for the most part.
Except for when you're fighting FOMO, there aren't too many ways to go wrong with more peace and calm and being able to be there for your friends and family. :)
I'll keep watching. And being grateful for these beautiful spiritual and life lessons I am receiving.
Friday, June 14, 2013
getting better at balance with lyme
I haven't posted in a week because life has been so busy. What is it with kids and June? All the school's-almost-out activities and last minute To Do's. And everyone with a summer birthday cramming their party into June. Don't get me wrong. It's a fun month. But wow, we are ready to slow down. 2 weeks to go!
I ended up coming out of that last herx and doing really well last weekend. So well that I was out wandering around an outdoor street festival in our neighbourhood for 2 hours on Sunday with my fam. And then I walked home! At a normal pace! It's only a 20 minute walk, but I hobbled at a snail's pace when I attempted the same thing a year ago.
Bonus was that I didn't feel like going straight to bed when I got home! No spinning head, no aching body. Well, a tiny bit. But not enough that I was anywhere near the state where I could no longer handle standing or sitting upright. I actually made lunch for my family after sitting outside in the hammock to regroup. LOVE this.
I think this is evidence my 'go slow' idea with the Cowden drops is working. I have a doctor's appointment next week and will discuss it with her. I'd love to keep it up if it won't impede healing progress. Can you imagine a life of healing so much more bearable and, heaven forbid, fun along the way? I dare to dream.
This last week has been a bit up and down in terms of herxes. I've actually had an activity booked for every day. From a 2 hour tea to a track and field meet for my kid to a dog training session for my unruly pup. So nothing more than a couple of hours per day for the most part. And I'm still napping daily. I'm stronger and less fatigued and hence my activity level is up. I haven't figured out how to balance my body quite right though. Going in and out of herxing and I think maybe I don't need to...
Yesterday was terrible. I actually ran out of the Cowden drops for my current rotation (Cumanda and Mora). Poor planning! ACK! So I did an early 'in between day' where I am off the antimicrobial drops and only on the herbal detox drops. I usually look forward to and cherish these days as I feel so good on them - no herxing. Well, clearly I had messed up my balance as I had a lot of fatigue, tongue and throat swelling, headache, plus general malaise going on. My only conclusion is that it had to be the stress of the busy week.
Proof right there that this balancing act with lyme isn't easy. My friend likened it to walking a tightrope - the smallest thing can knock you right off.
Will keep practice getting better at it though - this is life right? Everyone, lymie or not, has to come to know their own bodies and spirits deeply so as to keep that delicate balance of enough rest, enough play, enough nourishment - all on a daily basis. Lyme just takes the whole deal up a notch - keeping us on our toes.
I ended up coming out of that last herx and doing really well last weekend. So well that I was out wandering around an outdoor street festival in our neighbourhood for 2 hours on Sunday with my fam. And then I walked home! At a normal pace! It's only a 20 minute walk, but I hobbled at a snail's pace when I attempted the same thing a year ago.
Bonus was that I didn't feel like going straight to bed when I got home! No spinning head, no aching body. Well, a tiny bit. But not enough that I was anywhere near the state where I could no longer handle standing or sitting upright. I actually made lunch for my family after sitting outside in the hammock to regroup. LOVE this.
I think this is evidence my 'go slow' idea with the Cowden drops is working. I have a doctor's appointment next week and will discuss it with her. I'd love to keep it up if it won't impede healing progress. Can you imagine a life of healing so much more bearable and, heaven forbid, fun along the way? I dare to dream.
This last week has been a bit up and down in terms of herxes. I've actually had an activity booked for every day. From a 2 hour tea to a track and field meet for my kid to a dog training session for my unruly pup. So nothing more than a couple of hours per day for the most part. And I'm still napping daily. I'm stronger and less fatigued and hence my activity level is up. I haven't figured out how to balance my body quite right though. Going in and out of herxing and I think maybe I don't need to...
Yesterday was terrible. I actually ran out of the Cowden drops for my current rotation (Cumanda and Mora). Poor planning! ACK! So I did an early 'in between day' where I am off the antimicrobial drops and only on the herbal detox drops. I usually look forward to and cherish these days as I feel so good on them - no herxing. Well, clearly I had messed up my balance as I had a lot of fatigue, tongue and throat swelling, headache, plus general malaise going on. My only conclusion is that it had to be the stress of the busy week.
Proof right there that this balancing act with lyme isn't easy. My friend likened it to walking a tightrope - the smallest thing can knock you right off.
Will keep practice getting better at it though - this is life right? Everyone, lymie or not, has to come to know their own bodies and spirits deeply so as to keep that delicate balance of enough rest, enough play, enough nourishment - all on a daily basis. Lyme just takes the whole deal up a notch - keeping us on our toes.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Feeling kind of good!
I seem to have recovered from that last weekend of guests! Woo hoo! I'm feeling good, surprisingly good. It happens so rarely. I can't help but love it like I'm a kid on Christmas morning.
I am also wondering if this new 'go slow' regimen of increasing my Cowden drop dosage very slowly - so I don't herx nearly brutally for weeks on end - is working.
Maybe I'm just having a good couple of days. But maybe it is working. :)
I don't usually feel very well on this rotation - Cumanda and Mora. Especially not as I increase my dosage from the initial 20 drops I start with to the 30 drops required. (You're supposed to start at 30 but I find I can only safely handle 20 at the beginning of each new rotation.)
I am excited.
I find myself almost deliriously happy on good days. Like life is the best thing ever. Which it can be, and I do, deep down, really believe it is. But it's such a relief not to have to try so hard to see it through massive fatigue and pain. Don't get me wrong, I am still having symptoms. But I feel much better than usual. I can walk a bit further without feeling totally gross. Just a little gross. My head doesn't spin as much. It even feels kind of clear for parts of the day.
I can't remember what it feels like to be in a healthy body but I love these little glimpses!
Happy day.
I am also wondering if this new 'go slow' regimen of increasing my Cowden drop dosage very slowly - so I don't herx nearly brutally for weeks on end - is working.
Maybe I'm just having a good couple of days. But maybe it is working. :)
I don't usually feel very well on this rotation - Cumanda and Mora. Especially not as I increase my dosage from the initial 20 drops I start with to the 30 drops required. (You're supposed to start at 30 but I find I can only safely handle 20 at the beginning of each new rotation.)
I am excited.
I find myself almost deliriously happy on good days. Like life is the best thing ever. Which it can be, and I do, deep down, really believe it is. But it's such a relief not to have to try so hard to see it through massive fatigue and pain. Don't get me wrong, I am still having symptoms. But I feel much better than usual. I can walk a bit further without feeling totally gross. Just a little gross. My head doesn't spin as much. It even feels kind of clear for parts of the day.
I can't remember what it feels like to be in a healthy body but I love these little glimpses!
Happy day.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
My pup
I'm back, it's been a full week! A week where I was a bit better again. That last flare lasted another day and inexplicably went on its merry way. Or maybe very explicably considering all the alkalizing I did.
I'm still on track with my new plan to increase my med dosages very slowly to hopefully avoid the nonstop herxing I usually experience for weeks and months at a time. Too early to tell if this is going to be at all successful, because I'm just three days in to my newest herbal anti microbial rotation. I'm supposed to be at 30 drops of Mora and Cumanda for this one. I started at 20 and am up to 21 today. I've had joint swelling in my right hand and weird hive like bumps on my skin. But that's it. Usually I would take these symptoms as essentially nothing and increase my dosage more quickly - to a level just under what I would find completely intolerable. Aiming to keep it at 'actually feeling kind of okay' this time. For as long as I can.
Wish me luck.
But you the keen reader might wonder, why are you back in bed and posting if you are still feeling good like you say you are? Well, it turns out it's because of that extra gift that comes along with being female... My time of the month. PMS'ing right now and it is making me super tired and sore. How do I know it's not the antimicrobials? I can't for sure logically, but I know my body and this is PMS.
My gratitude this rainy afternoon? All of the above. Feeling good, inspired with new ideas, being a girl and honouring my body's cycles, but also my pup. You can see her in the photo. She's sitting so tightly beside me, pressing into my thigh as I type. Offering comfort, warmth and love.
I'm still on track with my new plan to increase my med dosages very slowly to hopefully avoid the nonstop herxing I usually experience for weeks and months at a time. Too early to tell if this is going to be at all successful, because I'm just three days in to my newest herbal anti microbial rotation. I'm supposed to be at 30 drops of Mora and Cumanda for this one. I started at 20 and am up to 21 today. I've had joint swelling in my right hand and weird hive like bumps on my skin. But that's it. Usually I would take these symptoms as essentially nothing and increase my dosage more quickly - to a level just under what I would find completely intolerable. Aiming to keep it at 'actually feeling kind of okay' this time. For as long as I can.
Wish me luck.
But you the keen reader might wonder, why are you back in bed and posting if you are still feeling good like you say you are? Well, it turns out it's because of that extra gift that comes along with being female... My time of the month. PMS'ing right now and it is making me super tired and sore. How do I know it's not the antimicrobials? I can't for sure logically, but I know my body and this is PMS.
My gratitude this rainy afternoon? All of the above. Feeling good, inspired with new ideas, being a girl and honouring my body's cycles, but also my pup. You can see her in the photo. She's sitting so tightly beside me, pressing into my thigh as I type. Offering comfort, warmth and love.
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