Day three of my next Mora and Cumanda rotation. This is generally my mid-level difficulty rotation. If I was to rank them. :) Currently, after 2.5 years of being on Cowden (and many other supplements and various meds of course) I find I have the best chance of feeling good on Samento and Banderol. I rarely feel good on Mora and Cumanda, but it's not as bad as Enula and Houttunyia. So we will see how these next few weeks go.
With the new rotation, I noticed almost right away that my brain fog levels went up. And my 'get up and go' seems to have left me for the most part. What I do ever have of it anyways. I think I notice so much because I'm coming off the Samento and Banderol. Where I have the most clarity in my head and the most energy in my body. So the contrast is obvious and of course a little depressing.
But maybe it's time to once again take a conscious look at what gifts this lack of both energy and clarity bring? It's better than the other choice...
It's not that I haven't considered the gifts of chronic lyme before. I have, many times. On some occasions in a state of actual happiness. On other days in total desperation for something, anything, positive to hang on to. To make it through. It's the premise I began this blog with. Gratitude. Life opening up in a way it never could have before. The gifts of chronic illness.
So far, in between the masses of heartbreak, I have found the gifts to be many. Although I still don't trust 100% in the process of letting this journey take its course. I desperately want to. Believe. Trust. Let go. ( But I can't always. Why can't I? WHY???????????) I'm honestly there sometimes and then there are many moments when the doubt creeps in. And I have to talk myself out of it. My hope is that someday I will be there, most of the time, in that state. And be able to anchor myself in it - no matter what may be happening around me.
I, like so many of the rest of us, have learned through my education, my career, my mere existence in North American society... that the way to live is to come up with goals and then quickly achieve them. And I got really good at this. (Well, I think so!). I can plan, organize, and get things done like nobody's business. If you need someone you can rely on to follow through and make stuff happen - I'm your gal. Well, I used to be.
And now I realize that it, life, is NOT up to me. It's not really up to any of us of course. We just live in a culture that makes us believe that we can (and absolutely should!) be in control. So we grasp at that concept and live in massive subconscious fear that this precious control may be taken away from us. When chronic illness hits and all the planning and intentions and fruits of one's labours go straight out the window it's one heck of a shock. So we grieve and, naturally, try desperately to regain domination over our lives.
I freaked out initially upon diagnosis and did my fair share of grieving and grasping at threads of control. I could no longer work, lost my home, lost my ability to parent, lost my social life, lost most hope of ever feeling less than tortured in my own body... you know the drill. Health and financial concerns skyrocketed. I went over and over budget spreadsheets hoping to make them work somehow. Thinking that if I put in enough effort I could magically make life turn out okay - at least on paper.
And what about now? It took me maybe six months to start (baby steps!) learning how to let go. I'm getting better at it. "To let go, and let God" as they say. I do believe it's the answer. Or at least a huge part of the answer. (And I've given up enough that I no longer believe I can ever really 'know' the answer - and I'm good with that!). The true way to live one's life. And honestly, at this point, what other choice do I really have if I don't want to agonize through each and every moment?
Anyhow, I have been following Life Beyond Lyme Lifestyle on Facebook the last while (https://www.facebook.com/LifeBeyondLyme) and Angela had this cool little quote that inspired me. Apologies as I can't remember the first half of it AND I can't even seem to find it again, but the second half of it said something along the lines of 'you need to receive to heal'. I have read so much about healing being about loving yourself. And if you think you are loving yourself, you need to love yourself even more. And I can understand that conceptually but at the same time it wasn't really super sinking in... in a way that touched me at my core. This last statement did.
So I'm watching now... watching for the ways I can receive. For the gifts that are naturally there for me. To love myself and nurture myself more. To fill myself up so there is so much more to spill over and give to others.
What does more brain fog, less clarity, and less energy offer up? Well, less talking, less thinking, more silence, less doing, slowing down, more resting, more hanging out, less frantic and hectic, more peace and calm. And I'm here - in case anyone needs me. Someone to talk to, to listen, to hear. I'm available for the most part.
Except for when you're fighting FOMO, there aren't too many ways to go wrong with more peace and calm and being able to be there for your friends and family. :)
I'll keep watching. And being grateful for these beautiful spiritual and life lessons I am receiving.
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