My family's patience

I got mad this evening. Really stupid angry. Ranted and raved and was not an example of the patient, wise mother that I strive to be. My little one did something I asked her not to, but in a sneaky way. She didn't actually break the rules but still did exactly what I had asked her not to do. Normal kid stuff. But it enraged me in a way it didn't need to.

I finally gave up on calming down and headed up to bed, closed the door, and am now taking a long (very long!) mommy time out. 'Space' is what we call it in our family. "Mommy needs some space". No $!&@ing kidding she does.

I can still feel lingering anger. It's crazy train. I hate this about the lyme. I don't know if it is 'Lyme rage', or simply the fact that my buttons can be pushed more easily when I'm worn down from fighting this illness, stuck in the house too much, and grumpy from symptoms and herxing.

I can be so nasty! I am sure the illness is a big part of it but that doesn't really make me feel any better about myself. In the months I was super duper insane in the membrane sick (vs the somewhat less sick but still ridiculous state I'm at now) my temper was so short. Outrageously short. I apologized a lot. In between the ranting. Yikes. Lately it's been better. Which is perhaps why it bothers me so much when I lose it in a situation that I know the normal me wouldn't be losing it in? Funny how things are harder when you're a bit better. Harder when there is farther back to fall.

So I am incredibly grateful for my family's never ending patience with me. With my moods. Still able to see the real me underneath and between it all. I am one lucky, lucky mama.