After publishing that last post 5 minutes ago about how well I am doing, I just scanned back over the blog and realized I started my current Cumanda/Mora rotation mid-Sept. And today, as I type, I'm still on that same rotation and only up to 25 drops. I started on 20.
So I'm going slow. Terribly SLOW. I hope that is okay. I hope it's not making me feel artificially 'good' when really I should be increasing my drops faster. But when I do, I herx a tonne. And as I just mentioned in that last post, my head feels like crap even at this rate. Sigh.
Hmmm. I don't know. I think I need to switch out to my next Cowden rotation in the next few days. 6 weeks seems like a long time to be on a single rotation - especially now that I'm on these maintenance rotations.
I will ask my doctor, but I don't think she knows either. Trial and error. Just not keen on the error part - this is a long journey without it!
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Doing well!
This is the type of post I have read by other lyme bloggers over the course of my illness that I thought I would never perhaps be so lucky to write. Well, it isn't exactly that post, but it's not so terribly far off to be depressing. ;)
I'm doing well! I say it's not "exactly that post" as I can't yet make big claims like 'I'm 90% healed!'. I still cross fingers and aspire to that day. But right now, I'm healed enough that I am more of a participant in life than not. The balance has swung so that I'm out of bed and living more than exhausted and in bed and wondering when I'll ever get out again.
I'm no longer out of my mind with boredom from days on end with little but the monotony of pain and fatigue to keep me company. I'm not nearly as grumpy because my head and body aren't screaming at me in that just-below-the-surface agony 24/7. They hurt, but not that bad.
It is so amazing. I have to say I feel like I have a renewed love of life. This state of being makes me not want to think about lyme much. And then I wonder...
Is it a mistake not to think about lyme much when I still have so far to go? What percentage 'healed' am I? How 'healed' do you need to be before you stop thinking about lyme so much? How do you even start to calculate where you are at anyhow??? Does anyone many years into this journey even have a clue as to what feeling 'normal person good' really feels like?
My last post, I wrote about how I had just seen a psychic for the first time. Well, oddly enough, I then had the opportunity to speak with another woman a week later who had medical intuition abilities. At one point, she 'felt' inside my head and exclaimed that it was awful, the feeling in my head made her want to vomit. I thought about it and realized yes, the feeling in my head kind of made me want to vomit too... but I mostly ignore it so I don't really notice. It's more that I think to myself 'Erg... maybe I should sit or lie down for a bit until it subsides a little'.
All that to say, I don't think I have any chance at making an anywhere near accurate guess as to what percentage my healing is at. However, if I HAD to say for the sake of this post... well, I'd probably say I'm at 70% better or so.
I'm happy. I'm making supper some days. I'm driving my kids to swimming lessons once a week! (10 min drive, but still!). I often will do something every single day of the week taking maybe one or two days mostly in bed to recover. I still nap every afternoon. I still feel really bad at various points during my regular days. But I'm living - I'm living and I absolutely love it!!!!
I'm doing well! I say it's not "exactly that post" as I can't yet make big claims like 'I'm 90% healed!'. I still cross fingers and aspire to that day. But right now, I'm healed enough that I am more of a participant in life than not. The balance has swung so that I'm out of bed and living more than exhausted and in bed and wondering when I'll ever get out again.
I'm no longer out of my mind with boredom from days on end with little but the monotony of pain and fatigue to keep me company. I'm not nearly as grumpy because my head and body aren't screaming at me in that just-below-the-surface agony 24/7. They hurt, but not that bad.
It is so amazing. I have to say I feel like I have a renewed love of life. This state of being makes me not want to think about lyme much. And then I wonder...
Is it a mistake not to think about lyme much when I still have so far to go? What percentage 'healed' am I? How 'healed' do you need to be before you stop thinking about lyme so much? How do you even start to calculate where you are at anyhow??? Does anyone many years into this journey even have a clue as to what feeling 'normal person good' really feels like?
My last post, I wrote about how I had just seen a psychic for the first time. Well, oddly enough, I then had the opportunity to speak with another woman a week later who had medical intuition abilities. At one point, she 'felt' inside my head and exclaimed that it was awful, the feeling in my head made her want to vomit. I thought about it and realized yes, the feeling in my head kind of made me want to vomit too... but I mostly ignore it so I don't really notice. It's more that I think to myself 'Erg... maybe I should sit or lie down for a bit until it subsides a little'.
All that to say, I don't think I have any chance at making an anywhere near accurate guess as to what percentage my healing is at. However, if I HAD to say for the sake of this post... well, I'd probably say I'm at 70% better or so.
I'm happy. I'm making supper some days. I'm driving my kids to swimming lessons once a week! (10 min drive, but still!). I often will do something every single day of the week taking maybe one or two days mostly in bed to recover. I still nap every afternoon. I still feel really bad at various points during my regular days. But I'm living - I'm living and I absolutely love it!!!!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Spiritual lessons in lyme
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish chronic lyme on my worst enemy. However, this blog is about gratitude... and I have to say I spend a lot of time contemplating the spiritual gifts or lessons that chronic lyme offers us.
There is little chance I would have learned so much and so quickly in the last 4 years of my life had it continued on its merry way ...without the big lyme crisis blowing everything apart. I had a good, but full, busy, and quite stressful life - sort of the norm for us North American moms. I had very young children, a full-time highly demanding job. A home, marriage, social life, pets to take care of too. I was learning stuff. Dealing with some chaos. But nothing like what came afterwards. ;)
I came across this fabulous post by Laura Bruno a couple of years ago and find it fascinating to this day. She is a medical intuitive with both friends and a husband with chronic lyme. She says "Lyme seems to show up like a roto-rooter, forcing people to dig deep and remove ALL blocks to creativity and healing. To the outside world, these people usually look like they have no blocks because they’re moving so effectively through life, but Life has other plans. It’s as though these people came in with a bigger mission than their current lifestyle or world view allows."
I don't know what you think - but for myself - this fits.
Note: I'm not psychic myself in the traditional sense - more of a clairsentient. Which took me years to discover and was a huge relief when I finally realized it consciously.
Anyhow, I have had two readings this year. One at the beginning of the year - a New Year's tarot card reading. And then, just last weekend, I went to a psychic for a quick 15 minute reading. I've never gone for a psychic reading before. An intuitive friend of mine felt compelled to go and to bring me along - so, in the spirit of my go-with-the-flow and whatever-the-day brings philosophy, I went.
My New Year's reading was fine. I was a little scared as I have had tarot readings that predicted things wouldn't go well in the past - and they didn't. They really really didn't! But this time, it was good. And the actual topic of my health did NOT come up. At all. Weird. A relief. The conclusion made at the time was that my health is a non-issue in my life. Which is confusing as hell on the one hand - as the state of my health is dictating how much I can parent, how little I socialize, how I can't work, the hours I spend each and every day taking meds, supplements, prepping and cooking the right foods, napping, etc! But it makes sense on the other. I'm on my path... lyme or no lyme... on I go with life. Which has been, for the most part!, what I have been striving for. Not to be defined by lyme. But just to live my life. And take heed of various limitations as I need to. Just as you would if say you had a bum knee.
And then in my psychic reading, guess what... my health didn't come up either. And maybe the guy just wasn't very good right? Not so psychic? Well, he nailed a lot actually... and I didn't give him anything to go on... in words anyhow. No questions, no talk about my situation, my family. Nothing. I just stayed quiet for most of it. Nodding here and there. He was spot on for a lot for my friend's reading too.
For me, he didn't end up making a lot of predictions though... instead he spent the first half of our session exclaiming a bit over my energy. (And it was only a 15 min session!). He had met only a handful of people like me. In 25 years of doing readings. Was amazed at how much I want to learn. Last life to this life, within this life thus far. Awakenings I've already had. Interesting. And whether true or not true - I do wonder if it all goes back to lyme offering up some pretty cool opportunities for those of us pushing to learn a lot in our lives this go round on earth. (If you happen to be the believe-in-reincarnation type).
So maybe there really is a silver lining. Well, I know there is. I did have a decent perspective on life before the lyme experience. But with it, I've grown a lot and gone so much deeper. My true values become clearer with each passing month. I'm redefining how I want to live my life. Pretty cool.
There is little chance I would have learned so much and so quickly in the last 4 years of my life had it continued on its merry way ...without the big lyme crisis blowing everything apart. I had a good, but full, busy, and quite stressful life - sort of the norm for us North American moms. I had very young children, a full-time highly demanding job. A home, marriage, social life, pets to take care of too. I was learning stuff. Dealing with some chaos. But nothing like what came afterwards. ;)
I came across this fabulous post by Laura Bruno a couple of years ago and find it fascinating to this day. She is a medical intuitive with both friends and a husband with chronic lyme. She says "Lyme seems to show up like a roto-rooter, forcing people to dig deep and remove ALL blocks to creativity and healing. To the outside world, these people usually look like they have no blocks because they’re moving so effectively through life, but Life has other plans. It’s as though these people came in with a bigger mission than their current lifestyle or world view allows."
I don't know what you think - but for myself - this fits.
Note: I'm not psychic myself in the traditional sense - more of a clairsentient. Which took me years to discover and was a huge relief when I finally realized it consciously.
Anyhow, I have had two readings this year. One at the beginning of the year - a New Year's tarot card reading. And then, just last weekend, I went to a psychic for a quick 15 minute reading. I've never gone for a psychic reading before. An intuitive friend of mine felt compelled to go and to bring me along - so, in the spirit of my go-with-the-flow and whatever-the-day brings philosophy, I went.
My New Year's reading was fine. I was a little scared as I have had tarot readings that predicted things wouldn't go well in the past - and they didn't. They really really didn't! But this time, it was good. And the actual topic of my health did NOT come up. At all. Weird. A relief. The conclusion made at the time was that my health is a non-issue in my life. Which is confusing as hell on the one hand - as the state of my health is dictating how much I can parent, how little I socialize, how I can't work, the hours I spend each and every day taking meds, supplements, prepping and cooking the right foods, napping, etc! But it makes sense on the other. I'm on my path... lyme or no lyme... on I go with life. Which has been, for the most part!, what I have been striving for. Not to be defined by lyme. But just to live my life. And take heed of various limitations as I need to. Just as you would if say you had a bum knee.
And then in my psychic reading, guess what... my health didn't come up either. And maybe the guy just wasn't very good right? Not so psychic? Well, he nailed a lot actually... and I didn't give him anything to go on... in words anyhow. No questions, no talk about my situation, my family. Nothing. I just stayed quiet for most of it. Nodding here and there. He was spot on for a lot for my friend's reading too.
For me, he didn't end up making a lot of predictions though... instead he spent the first half of our session exclaiming a bit over my energy. (And it was only a 15 min session!). He had met only a handful of people like me. In 25 years of doing readings. Was amazed at how much I want to learn. Last life to this life, within this life thus far. Awakenings I've already had. Interesting. And whether true or not true - I do wonder if it all goes back to lyme offering up some pretty cool opportunities for those of us pushing to learn a lot in our lives this go round on earth. (If you happen to be the believe-in-reincarnation type).
So maybe there really is a silver lining. Well, I know there is. I did have a decent perspective on life before the lyme experience. But with it, I've grown a lot and gone so much deeper. My true values become clearer with each passing month. I'm redefining how I want to live my life. Pretty cool.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Simple entertainment
One of the tasks that has fallen way way way by the wayside since I have been sick is that of washing the sheets on all the beds regularly. How gross! But I can't do it. The kids have loft beds too so it makes it that much harder to strip the beds.
Solution of course is to have the kids strip and remake their own beds. Reality check downfall to this plan is I have to find the energy to nag them to do it. And oftentimes I dont have that extra bit of fight left in me. Not for sheets anyhow!
I've resolved this issue somewhat by just addressing one bed at a time. No, it's not enough. But yes, it will have to do. For now. And maybe a few more years. ;)
Today, youngest child stripped her bed with no complaining and after the sheets were washed (by me - go mom!), hubby lugged them back up into her room. I asked her to make her bed. She's little, sheets are big, and it's a loft bed. I get it. She tried.
Before she managed to get it done there were various calls for help to her dad.and then in the middle of it all she showed up like this in my room.
I was resting in bed exhausted from the laundry and supper and the day in general. Nothing like a child in a pillowcase to cheer you up. :)
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I heart lyme bloggers! Problems with Lyme tests and IgeneX Western Blot testing instructions
Reading lyme blogs has helped me so very much during this healing journey. I honestly don't know how I would have managed emotionally without them. Knowing someone else really understands. Evidence that you're not actually crazy but that this truly is an experience to hell (and then more hell and then more hell... etc, etc, etc) and back. But you can do it. Other people do it. People make it through. The possibility is there.
All that said, I have had Canadian friends ask me how to go about getting tested for lyme in Canada. Which of course is a big joke because the Canadian testing is flawed.
CanLyme, on their website, states "Evidence suggests that Canada’s Lyme testing methods are flawed. False negative test results are common, especially in the early stages of Lyme. It takes time for antibodies to develop, so early tests often miss the bacteria. Contrary to bureaucratic statements, late stage Lyme disease antibody testing is much less accurate." CanLyme talks a bit more about Canadian testing here. And Dr. Mercola talks about some of the testing issues here.
Nevertheless, I was lucky to come across fantastic instructions for getting tested via a Western Blot test kit for Lyme by IgeneX in the States here. This is so handy to be able to pass along to others who are desperate for testing. Huge thanks to the lovely woman at Lymed Out who took the time to write directions up so clearly! :)
All that said, I have had Canadian friends ask me how to go about getting tested for lyme in Canada. Which of course is a big joke because the Canadian testing is flawed.
CanLyme, on their website, states "Evidence suggests that Canada’s Lyme testing methods are flawed. False negative test results are common, especially in the early stages of Lyme. It takes time for antibodies to develop, so early tests often miss the bacteria. Contrary to bureaucratic statements, late stage Lyme disease antibody testing is much less accurate." CanLyme talks a bit more about Canadian testing here. And Dr. Mercola talks about some of the testing issues here.
Nevertheless, I was lucky to come across fantastic instructions for getting tested via a Western Blot test kit for Lyme by IgeneX in the States here. This is so handy to be able to pass along to others who are desperate for testing. Huge thanks to the lovely woman at Lymed Out who took the time to write directions up so clearly! :)
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Happiness Habits
I came across this article today on the habits of supremely happy people. Friends and acquaintances have asked me on a number of occasions how I stay so positive in the face of a nasty illness like chronic lyme. I am honest and tell them I am truly not so positive every minute of every day and that there are days where I cry and cry. Days where I am in a rage. Moments where I am fine and then the next I am in a rage. It's lyme, right? Extremely unpredictable emotionally as well as physically. Yay! ;)
Nevertheless, since day one from diagnosis... well, okay... maybe month two or three or five after a whole lot of major freaking out :) ... I decided that literally the only way for me to survive this experience was to be as positive as I could. I was scared to lose my life, but the more immediate fear was to first lose my mind. So I promised myself to constantly look for the good. This was extremely, crazy, psycho-difficult at first. No kidding, right?! Especially considering that the first 18 months or so of treatment I spent primarily in bed, in pain (from quite uncomfortable to agonizing) and exhaustion. Barely sleeping from the lyme symptoms and the herxing. And herxing non-stop. (Detox schmetox - why wouldn't it work!?) Plus scared of the symptoms. Scared for my life. Scared for my family. And so on...
People would ask me how I was doing during that time and I would always answer 'Oh, a little tiny bit better - it's coming along'. And I could not tell if it was. I had no idea if it was. It terrified me that it might not be. But that's what I answered. Because I had to. Something in me had to.
I clearly remember being frightened to fall asleep each night, yet at the same time desperate for a break from the exhaustion and agony. I would keep the phone beside me and make my husband promise, yes promise, to check on me every 20 minutes in case I died. And I was well aware that that was sort of a stupid plan - i.e. why check to see if someone is dead? If they are dead, they are dead! But I needed the reassurance that maybe he would somehow save me in time and I could stay alive. The phone would be right beside me to call 911. I was really that scared. For many months. Ugh.
The other part of night time that frightened me was to have myself actually fall asleep, but then wake up in an even worse state of agony and have no choice but to call 911. I got to the point where I would rather stay awake and watch the progression of worsening symptoms and then decide to go to the hospital versus falling asleep and waking up into an emergency situation. Apparently I'm not big on surprises. ;)
Ah the fun of it all!
But through all of that, I kept holding on to the positives. The sunshine in my window. My dogs furry bodies cuddled up next to me. The hot water bottle. My cuddly socks. The fact that my sweet husband would actually promise me over and over again to check on me. And would listen to me freaking out repeatedly. What about the toll on him? What about the toll on the kids? What about the toll on all my family and friends? What a mess. As anyone who has or is going through this or similar knows all too well.
Anyhow, I can't say that things are easy-peasy now because I am still struggling on a daily basis. We, as a family, are hence still struggling on a daily basis. And there are still too many times where I am scared. But way way less than before. For the healing that has occurred, I am so deeply and incredibly grateful. Of course I also continue to regularly lose my sh@t due to fear, depression, guilt, anger... all those dark emotions. I like to try to honour their course - I am human after all! But then I pull myself out again - bring on the gratitude. Settle back into faith that this all makes sense and is okay somehow.
Do I think I can say I am a completely 100% happy person? No, not at all. I wish I could. I wish I could get to that point of faith and trust. But there is still too much fear. I know there are sayings like 'The only thing to fear is fear itself' but I don't buy it. (I want to buy it! Puhleeeeassse!) I fear pain. I have been in such pain that I wished I was dead even though I didn't want to be dead. I have not wanted to fall asleep at night because I don't want to wake up and have to face another day of this hellish existence. Nevertheless... I'm still pretty happy all things considered. Traumatized, yes. Scared of the future? Sometimes. Sometimes a lot. But I'm going to keep going - moment to moment, doing the best I can, enjoying as much as I can. Because this is my life!
So... back to the article. Here are the items it lists as keys to happiness:
The strongest ones for me are #s: 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 9, 12, 13, 16, 18, and 19 (ha!!!!!).
Of course, a lot of these are modified for me due to the lyme - for example, exercise may mean stretching my body one day, a short, slow, painful walk the next. But exercise is on the table - I value it and I try. Sometimes I have a nice walk where I sort of can pretend I'm a regular person too. WOW.
In-person connections can be difficult to uphold when you can't leave your bed. But I've always kept my connections as best as I can. Emails, phone calls, friends sitting in bed to visit me. Don't get me wrong - when I was at my sickest I was extremely lonely because there gets to be very little to say and people maybe don't want to be around when someone is that sick. But I still held on as best as I was able. And so, thank goodness, did my family and some of my friends. I also can't listen to music due to noise sensitivity, etc, etc... but for the most part - I see me in this list.
Cool.
Nevertheless, since day one from diagnosis... well, okay... maybe month two or three or five after a whole lot of major freaking out :) ... I decided that literally the only way for me to survive this experience was to be as positive as I could. I was scared to lose my life, but the more immediate fear was to first lose my mind. So I promised myself to constantly look for the good. This was extremely, crazy, psycho-difficult at first. No kidding, right?! Especially considering that the first 18 months or so of treatment I spent primarily in bed, in pain (from quite uncomfortable to agonizing) and exhaustion. Barely sleeping from the lyme symptoms and the herxing. And herxing non-stop. (Detox schmetox - why wouldn't it work!?) Plus scared of the symptoms. Scared for my life. Scared for my family. And so on...
People would ask me how I was doing during that time and I would always answer 'Oh, a little tiny bit better - it's coming along'. And I could not tell if it was. I had no idea if it was. It terrified me that it might not be. But that's what I answered. Because I had to. Something in me had to.
I clearly remember being frightened to fall asleep each night, yet at the same time desperate for a break from the exhaustion and agony. I would keep the phone beside me and make my husband promise, yes promise, to check on me every 20 minutes in case I died. And I was well aware that that was sort of a stupid plan - i.e. why check to see if someone is dead? If they are dead, they are dead! But I needed the reassurance that maybe he would somehow save me in time and I could stay alive. The phone would be right beside me to call 911. I was really that scared. For many months. Ugh.
The other part of night time that frightened me was to have myself actually fall asleep, but then wake up in an even worse state of agony and have no choice but to call 911. I got to the point where I would rather stay awake and watch the progression of worsening symptoms and then decide to go to the hospital versus falling asleep and waking up into an emergency situation. Apparently I'm not big on surprises. ;)
Ah the fun of it all!
But through all of that, I kept holding on to the positives. The sunshine in my window. My dogs furry bodies cuddled up next to me. The hot water bottle. My cuddly socks. The fact that my sweet husband would actually promise me over and over again to check on me. And would listen to me freaking out repeatedly. What about the toll on him? What about the toll on the kids? What about the toll on all my family and friends? What a mess. As anyone who has or is going through this or similar knows all too well.
Anyhow, I can't say that things are easy-peasy now because I am still struggling on a daily basis. We, as a family, are hence still struggling on a daily basis. And there are still too many times where I am scared. But way way less than before. For the healing that has occurred, I am so deeply and incredibly grateful. Of course I also continue to regularly lose my sh@t due to fear, depression, guilt, anger... all those dark emotions. I like to try to honour their course - I am human after all! But then I pull myself out again - bring on the gratitude. Settle back into faith that this all makes sense and is okay somehow.
Do I think I can say I am a completely 100% happy person? No, not at all. I wish I could. I wish I could get to that point of faith and trust. But there is still too much fear. I know there are sayings like 'The only thing to fear is fear itself' but I don't buy it. (I want to buy it! Puhleeeeassse!) I fear pain. I have been in such pain that I wished I was dead even though I didn't want to be dead. I have not wanted to fall asleep at night because I don't want to wake up and have to face another day of this hellish existence. Nevertheless... I'm still pretty happy all things considered. Traumatized, yes. Scared of the future? Sometimes. Sometimes a lot. But I'm going to keep going - moment to moment, doing the best I can, enjoying as much as I can. Because this is my life!
So... back to the article. Here are the items it lists as keys to happiness:
- Surround yourself with happy people
- Smile when you mean it
- Cultivate resilience: "Fall seven times, stand up eight" (Love this!)
- Try to be happy
- Be mindful of the good
- appreciate simple pleasures
- devote some of your time to giving
- let yourself lose track of time
- Nix the small talk for deeper conversation
- Spend money on other people
- Make a point to listen
- Uphold in-person connections
- Look on the bright side
- Listen to uplifting music
- Unplug from all the technology
- Get spiritual
- Make exercise a priority
- Go outside
- Rest
- Laugh
- Walk the walk - i.e. hold your posture in a more positive way than depressed way
The strongest ones for me are #s: 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 9, 12, 13, 16, 18, and 19 (ha!!!!!).
Of course, a lot of these are modified for me due to the lyme - for example, exercise may mean stretching my body one day, a short, slow, painful walk the next. But exercise is on the table - I value it and I try. Sometimes I have a nice walk where I sort of can pretend I'm a regular person too. WOW.
In-person connections can be difficult to uphold when you can't leave your bed. But I've always kept my connections as best as I can. Emails, phone calls, friends sitting in bed to visit me. Don't get me wrong - when I was at my sickest I was extremely lonely because there gets to be very little to say and people maybe don't want to be around when someone is that sick. But I still held on as best as I was able. And so, thank goodness, did my family and some of my friends. I also can't listen to music due to noise sensitivity, etc, etc... but for the most part - I see me in this list.
Cool.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Return of the fog and receiving to heal
Day three of my next Mora and Cumanda rotation. This is generally my mid-level difficulty rotation. If I was to rank them. :) Currently, after 2.5 years of being on Cowden (and many other supplements and various meds of course) I find I have the best chance of feeling good on Samento and Banderol. I rarely feel good on Mora and Cumanda, but it's not as bad as Enula and Houttunyia. So we will see how these next few weeks go.
With the new rotation, I noticed almost right away that my brain fog levels went up. And my 'get up and go' seems to have left me for the most part. What I do ever have of it anyways. I think I notice so much because I'm coming off the Samento and Banderol. Where I have the most clarity in my head and the most energy in my body. So the contrast is obvious and of course a little depressing.
But maybe it's time to once again take a conscious look at what gifts this lack of both energy and clarity bring? It's better than the other choice...
It's not that I haven't considered the gifts of chronic lyme before. I have, many times. On some occasions in a state of actual happiness. On other days in total desperation for something, anything, positive to hang on to. To make it through. It's the premise I began this blog with. Gratitude. Life opening up in a way it never could have before. The gifts of chronic illness.
So far, in between the masses of heartbreak, I have found the gifts to be many. Although I still don't trust 100% in the process of letting this journey take its course. I desperately want to. Believe. Trust. Let go. ( But I can't always. Why can't I? WHY???????????) I'm honestly there sometimes and then there are many moments when the doubt creeps in. And I have to talk myself out of it. My hope is that someday I will be there, most of the time, in that state. And be able to anchor myself in it - no matter what may be happening around me.
I, like so many of the rest of us, have learned through my education, my career, my mere existence in North American society... that the way to live is to come up with goals and then quickly achieve them. And I got really good at this. (Well, I think so!). I can plan, organize, and get things done like nobody's business. If you need someone you can rely on to follow through and make stuff happen - I'm your gal. Well, I used to be.
And now I realize that it, life, is NOT up to me. It's not really up to any of us of course. We just live in a culture that makes us believe that we can (and absolutely should!) be in control. So we grasp at that concept and live in massive subconscious fear that this precious control may be taken away from us. When chronic illness hits and all the planning and intentions and fruits of one's labours go straight out the window it's one heck of a shock. So we grieve and, naturally, try desperately to regain domination over our lives.
I freaked out initially upon diagnosis and did my fair share of grieving and grasping at threads of control. I could no longer work, lost my home, lost my ability to parent, lost my social life, lost most hope of ever feeling less than tortured in my own body... you know the drill. Health and financial concerns skyrocketed. I went over and over budget spreadsheets hoping to make them work somehow. Thinking that if I put in enough effort I could magically make life turn out okay - at least on paper.
And what about now? It took me maybe six months to start (baby steps!) learning how to let go. I'm getting better at it. "To let go, and let God" as they say. I do believe it's the answer. Or at least a huge part of the answer. (And I've given up enough that I no longer believe I can ever really 'know' the answer - and I'm good with that!). The true way to live one's life. And honestly, at this point, what other choice do I really have if I don't want to agonize through each and every moment?
Anyhow, I have been following Life Beyond Lyme Lifestyle on Facebook the last while (https://www.facebook.com/LifeBeyondLyme) and Angela had this cool little quote that inspired me. Apologies as I can't remember the first half of it AND I can't even seem to find it again, but the second half of it said something along the lines of 'you need to receive to heal'. I have read so much about healing being about loving yourself. And if you think you are loving yourself, you need to love yourself even more. And I can understand that conceptually but at the same time it wasn't really super sinking in... in a way that touched me at my core. This last statement did.
So I'm watching now... watching for the ways I can receive. For the gifts that are naturally there for me. To love myself and nurture myself more. To fill myself up so there is so much more to spill over and give to others.
What does more brain fog, less clarity, and less energy offer up? Well, less talking, less thinking, more silence, less doing, slowing down, more resting, more hanging out, less frantic and hectic, more peace and calm. And I'm here - in case anyone needs me. Someone to talk to, to listen, to hear. I'm available for the most part.
Except for when you're fighting FOMO, there aren't too many ways to go wrong with more peace and calm and being able to be there for your friends and family. :)
I'll keep watching. And being grateful for these beautiful spiritual and life lessons I am receiving.
With the new rotation, I noticed almost right away that my brain fog levels went up. And my 'get up and go' seems to have left me for the most part. What I do ever have of it anyways. I think I notice so much because I'm coming off the Samento and Banderol. Where I have the most clarity in my head and the most energy in my body. So the contrast is obvious and of course a little depressing.
But maybe it's time to once again take a conscious look at what gifts this lack of both energy and clarity bring? It's better than the other choice...
It's not that I haven't considered the gifts of chronic lyme before. I have, many times. On some occasions in a state of actual happiness. On other days in total desperation for something, anything, positive to hang on to. To make it through. It's the premise I began this blog with. Gratitude. Life opening up in a way it never could have before. The gifts of chronic illness.
So far, in between the masses of heartbreak, I have found the gifts to be many. Although I still don't trust 100% in the process of letting this journey take its course. I desperately want to. Believe. Trust. Let go. ( But I can't always. Why can't I? WHY???????????) I'm honestly there sometimes and then there are many moments when the doubt creeps in. And I have to talk myself out of it. My hope is that someday I will be there, most of the time, in that state. And be able to anchor myself in it - no matter what may be happening around me.
I, like so many of the rest of us, have learned through my education, my career, my mere existence in North American society... that the way to live is to come up with goals and then quickly achieve them. And I got really good at this. (Well, I think so!). I can plan, organize, and get things done like nobody's business. If you need someone you can rely on to follow through and make stuff happen - I'm your gal. Well, I used to be.
And now I realize that it, life, is NOT up to me. It's not really up to any of us of course. We just live in a culture that makes us believe that we can (and absolutely should!) be in control. So we grasp at that concept and live in massive subconscious fear that this precious control may be taken away from us. When chronic illness hits and all the planning and intentions and fruits of one's labours go straight out the window it's one heck of a shock. So we grieve and, naturally, try desperately to regain domination over our lives.
I freaked out initially upon diagnosis and did my fair share of grieving and grasping at threads of control. I could no longer work, lost my home, lost my ability to parent, lost my social life, lost most hope of ever feeling less than tortured in my own body... you know the drill. Health and financial concerns skyrocketed. I went over and over budget spreadsheets hoping to make them work somehow. Thinking that if I put in enough effort I could magically make life turn out okay - at least on paper.
And what about now? It took me maybe six months to start (baby steps!) learning how to let go. I'm getting better at it. "To let go, and let God" as they say. I do believe it's the answer. Or at least a huge part of the answer. (And I've given up enough that I no longer believe I can ever really 'know' the answer - and I'm good with that!). The true way to live one's life. And honestly, at this point, what other choice do I really have if I don't want to agonize through each and every moment?
Anyhow, I have been following Life Beyond Lyme Lifestyle on Facebook the last while (https://www.facebook.com/LifeBeyondLyme) and Angela had this cool little quote that inspired me. Apologies as I can't remember the first half of it AND I can't even seem to find it again, but the second half of it said something along the lines of 'you need to receive to heal'. I have read so much about healing being about loving yourself. And if you think you are loving yourself, you need to love yourself even more. And I can understand that conceptually but at the same time it wasn't really super sinking in... in a way that touched me at my core. This last statement did.
So I'm watching now... watching for the ways I can receive. For the gifts that are naturally there for me. To love myself and nurture myself more. To fill myself up so there is so much more to spill over and give to others.
What does more brain fog, less clarity, and less energy offer up? Well, less talking, less thinking, more silence, less doing, slowing down, more resting, more hanging out, less frantic and hectic, more peace and calm. And I'm here - in case anyone needs me. Someone to talk to, to listen, to hear. I'm available for the most part.
Except for when you're fighting FOMO, there aren't too many ways to go wrong with more peace and calm and being able to be there for your friends and family. :)
I'll keep watching. And being grateful for these beautiful spiritual and life lessons I am receiving.
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