Things have been crazy again... and I am not keeping up with this blog. I didn't foresee this last scare happening, but then I look at my last post about my sweet hubbie and his caregiving role and think, 'How could I have NOT foreseen it?!?'.
Oh yeah, maybe the brain fog and feeling sick all the time and just how ridiculously hard it is simply getting the family through each and every single day in one piece. That could be why I didn't foresee it. Maybe.
Two fridays ago, I had to call 911 as DH thought he was having a heart attack. Massive pain, sweating, nausea, numbness in his arms... the whole experience. It was intense and scary. My adrenalin levels didn't fall for a good 12 hours afterwards. And I have to say I'm usually really really solid in such situations. (Of course I am! Of course DH is too!). Anyhoo, to make a long story short, we had the paramedics come (they were great - always love the paramedics!!), then they took him to the hospital for tests... and... tada - no heart attack - hooray!
Turns out it was an anxiety attack from stress.
The paramedics asked him if he was under stress, the hospital did too. His doctor, in this follow-up appointment, asked if he was under stress. It comes across as such a ludicrous question to someone in our situation. How does one even begin to answer that question when it's been literally years of non-stop spirit-breaking complete-exhaustion-inducing stress? Caretaker for a partner with chronic lyme? Essentially a single dad, with mom hanging around sick ALL the time. Serious money worries. Ridiculous concern as to what the future holds. Even just the basic 'nothing 'fun' to look forward to'. Ever. Can't travel as too sick. Can't go on vacation because of no money. A staycation would be great, and it's what we do, but I can't actually DO much of anything on one. And the kids get grumpy and he gets the brunt of it all. Always.
So I think he looked at the floor and said 'yes, I am under some stress'.
Geesh.
When will it stop? It could be years. It could be forever like this. We don't know. We can't know.
We're doing what we can to improve things for him. Making sure he gets sleep and he starts to exercise again. We can do this. Small stuff.
I hope it's enough.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
Let's Not Forget Our Caregivers
I am blessed beyond words in that my dear hubby has been here through the thick and thin of this chronic lyme mess and continues to care lovingly for both myself and the kids. It's coming up on 5 years now and he has never given up. Never hinted at throwing in the towel.
This blog focuses on gratitude, and I have heaps of it for his hero husband of mine. I am also well aware that there are many suffering from chronic lyme and other chronic illnesses who are suffering alone. This journey is too hard. And my heart breaks for all of us, but especially those who are soldiering on alone. You are playing both rolls, caretaker and patient. I can only imagine the insane amounts of extra strength this takes. :(
Caring for someone sick, non-stop for years, takes a massive toll. The rougher patches seem to come and go, but I can really see it in him this last month. Christmas and New Years brings up a lot of tough feelings for those with chronic lyme and their families. Memories of better times, hopes that this year will be better than before, hopes that in the future maybe life might go back to normal. Hopes that can be dashed pretty quickly without all the extra stress, pressure and exhaustion at this time of year. It's devastating.
And never mind what the bitter cold weather does for our emotions!
DH and I have been forever hopeful and positive that we're going to get through this. From day one. (In between the panicking. haha!) I am healing. I will heal. Life will be more okay again one day. An okay life of course where I am really careful not to overdo it - there is no way ever I want to hit remission and then be knocked right back out of it by overworking myself or something like that. But now, we're several years into this fight. Things have improved. But nowhere near enough for it not to be a little frightening. Not better enough for me to consider basic Mom/wife/adult norm duties - like going back to work even part time.
What if it doesn't get better?
Physically, I don't want to think about that scenario. Being in a state like this for the rest of my life. I know deep down, after going through all of this nightmarish madness, that I could do it. We could do it. But I'm really not in the mood. (Because that makes a difference... yaaaa. Ha!)
Financially, (if we want to get pragmatic), it's terrifying. Hubs and I have been through the budget literally (sigh) hundreds of times. We should be able to sort of survive long-term. If we do nothing, and buy nothing but meds and food. And if absolutely nothing else goes wrong or comes up as an emergency - ah ha ha ha... cause it never does in life, right?
Unsurprisingly, emotionally we're a train-wreck at this point. So tired of keeping on keeping on. I'm at my wits end just trying to get through each day physically, emotionally, spiritually... trying to be a Mom my kids want to remember having in their childhood vs Momzilla. He's not in a good state either. Emotionally, but also physically because he does everything. Cleaning, errands, dogs, kids, social events, holding down a job. I'm not in bed all the time anymore. I plan. I tidy! I make meals here and there. But he never knows if I will be up to which tasks or if he'll be on the hook for even more chores when he gets home from work each day. How fun.
Emotionally and spiritually speaking, he's also a boy (or anatomically speaking??!). Why don't they talk like us girls do??? How do they get the support they need? I'm here for him. But he could use more. I push him to go out with the guys for a beer when I can tell he is desperate for it (and yes, it would be better not to wait until he is desperate!). But they talk sports. Meaningless guy talk. Which is great to help DH forget his normal life for awhile. But not so great for receiving authentic empathy.
Came across this article yesterday and it of course was just perfectly timed for our troubles:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201401/not-do-list-caregivers-the-chronically-ill
Shared it with DH and it resonated. It became clear immediately that he is not NOT doing all this stuff on her list either. Oops. Shocker.
I know it's his life which he is the boss of. And he is very private. I will continue to be open with him about this. I'll continue to encourage him to go out with friends when he can. (Difficult due to both budget and time, but we can prioritize it). Maybe get him to share these thoughts with his family.
Grateful beyond anything to have him in my life. Wishing like crazy I could help ease his burden.
In the meantime, I will let compassion flood my heart... for all of us struggling to make it through.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Happy holidays and happy 2014! Very very late...
I haven't posted since November! Ridiculous and certainly not in the plans. Plans schmans though! If I have learned anything from this healing journey, it's not to pay too much serious attention to one's plans.
In a nutshell, December turned out to be particularly busy - no surprise there. I do my best to keep things calm and plan in lots of time for rest, but when the community around you is going crazy for the holidays there seems to be only so far you can go with this. Extra commitments all over the place. No time just for me to be sitting down, in solitude, blogging.
About 5 days before Christmas, I ended up catching the nasty flu going around. I figured, 'no problem, lots of time to take uber-good care of myself and be fine for the big day!'. I had been fighting the bug pretty successfully off and on all December, but what put me over the edge was a dinner out with friends where I got really chilled in the restaurant. I had been so careful. But it has been so stupid cold out there! The -30s C is no good for anyone.
I did NOT get better for Christmas. I did NOT get better for New Year's. I did NOT get better in time for the kids to be back in school. I'm getting closer now. Closer!
Craving to be back into my routine so much. Bored out of my mind. Lyme is bad enough. The flu plus lyme for 4 weeks ... Utter torture? Oh right, that's lyme by itself. We had to cancel almost all of our social plans. I lay on the couch, chewing garlic, with a scarf over my nose and mouth the throat pain was so bad. I steamed my head. I drank soup and tea. Non-stop for the first 10 days or so. And off and on ever since.
Luckily, the kids still had a good time. Santa came. Life is good as a kid. Even if your Mom is super lame. Thank goodness!
I can chalk it up as one of my weirdest holiday experiences ever. Hanging out with my immediate family, but not extended family. Minimal contact with friends. For 6 days I couldn't even speak. That has never happened to me in my entire life. Over Christmas it was both an incredbily frustrating yet also enlightening experience. Imagine essentially not sharing any of your thoughts for nearly a week. Over the holidays. Certainly gave me insights into our regular traditions and more ideas about how I want to authentically spend the holidays next year.
(In case you're curious: forgo cooking the bird for Christmas - hubby was in the kitchen for 8 entire hours. Usually we're distracted with having company around, but this time it was obvious how much sheer work it is for little return on a day we would prefer to be hanging out, relaxing, nurturing ourselves. We'll figure out a vegan lasagne or such that can be prepared in advance next year. Maybe do a turkey in January or a few weeks before the holidays so we still get the good bone broth and turkey soup out of it. Less baking. We did some gluten-free, sugar-free, nutrient-dense baking but it was still too many goodies on hand. Hubby and I are both still suffering from the indulgences. Enough for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years would be perfect. More nurturing and relaxation in the month leading up to the holidays. More of it during the holidays too. How can I turn the Christmas holidays into a time of rest and renewal and reflection during the darkest time of the year? Spa days... ? Good thing I have a year to think about it!)
After all of that, I find I'm clueless as to where I'm at with lyme. Clueless and a little angry! Just finishing up my Samento/Banderol rotation. The one I have been looking forward to for months. The one I feel the best ever on thus far. And it's gone. Lost in the chaos of the flu. Probably a good thing that I wasn't herxing to the max while fighting the virus. But I was looking forward to feeling good for a bit. Pretending I'm more on the normal end of the scale than the sicko one.
Maybe next time.
In a nutshell, December turned out to be particularly busy - no surprise there. I do my best to keep things calm and plan in lots of time for rest, but when the community around you is going crazy for the holidays there seems to be only so far you can go with this. Extra commitments all over the place. No time just for me to be sitting down, in solitude, blogging.
About 5 days before Christmas, I ended up catching the nasty flu going around. I figured, 'no problem, lots of time to take uber-good care of myself and be fine for the big day!'. I had been fighting the bug pretty successfully off and on all December, but what put me over the edge was a dinner out with friends where I got really chilled in the restaurant. I had been so careful. But it has been so stupid cold out there! The -30s C is no good for anyone.
I did NOT get better for Christmas. I did NOT get better for New Year's. I did NOT get better in time for the kids to be back in school. I'm getting closer now. Closer!
Craving to be back into my routine so much. Bored out of my mind. Lyme is bad enough. The flu plus lyme for 4 weeks ... Utter torture? Oh right, that's lyme by itself. We had to cancel almost all of our social plans. I lay on the couch, chewing garlic, with a scarf over my nose and mouth the throat pain was so bad. I steamed my head. I drank soup and tea. Non-stop for the first 10 days or so. And off and on ever since.
Luckily, the kids still had a good time. Santa came. Life is good as a kid. Even if your Mom is super lame. Thank goodness!
I can chalk it up as one of my weirdest holiday experiences ever. Hanging out with my immediate family, but not extended family. Minimal contact with friends. For 6 days I couldn't even speak. That has never happened to me in my entire life. Over Christmas it was both an incredbily frustrating yet also enlightening experience. Imagine essentially not sharing any of your thoughts for nearly a week. Over the holidays. Certainly gave me insights into our regular traditions and more ideas about how I want to authentically spend the holidays next year.
(In case you're curious: forgo cooking the bird for Christmas - hubby was in the kitchen for 8 entire hours. Usually we're distracted with having company around, but this time it was obvious how much sheer work it is for little return on a day we would prefer to be hanging out, relaxing, nurturing ourselves. We'll figure out a vegan lasagne or such that can be prepared in advance next year. Maybe do a turkey in January or a few weeks before the holidays so we still get the good bone broth and turkey soup out of it. Less baking. We did some gluten-free, sugar-free, nutrient-dense baking but it was still too many goodies on hand. Hubby and I are both still suffering from the indulgences. Enough for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and New Years would be perfect. More nurturing and relaxation in the month leading up to the holidays. More of it during the holidays too. How can I turn the Christmas holidays into a time of rest and renewal and reflection during the darkest time of the year? Spa days... ? Good thing I have a year to think about it!)
After all of that, I find I'm clueless as to where I'm at with lyme. Clueless and a little angry! Just finishing up my Samento/Banderol rotation. The one I have been looking forward to for months. The one I feel the best ever on thus far. And it's gone. Lost in the chaos of the flu. Probably a good thing that I wasn't herxing to the max while fighting the virus. But I was looking forward to feeling good for a bit. Pretending I'm more on the normal end of the scale than the sicko one.
Maybe next time.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
another week another couple of drops
This week I have gratitude for myself. For the 'staying power' I somehow summon up to keep on keeping on in this grand old healing from chronic lyme disease journey.
I have gratitude for all the other people out there who are courageously keeping on in their own journeys too. People with chronic lyme, people with other chronic illnesses, people with entirely different issues that are challenging them beyond what they ever dreamed they would have to handle. Yet handle it we do. All inspirational. And I'll take all the inspiration I can get. :)
I've now hit 27 drops of the houttunyia/enula. Yippee. (Sarcasm, yes). And despite that I've been going at this for over a month, I've decided to keep going until I hit the 30 drops I was supposed to start the rotation with. (!) Hoping to achieve this in another week or so. Which makes me realize that I had better up the dosage to 28 drops this afternoon. (Sipping my 27 drop before-lunch concoction right now as I type...).
Oh joy, joy, joy.
So... it has really not been fun. Is it always this horrendous??!! (I think it probably is... and then I conveniently, or more likely lyme-brain-foggily, forget how bad it has been until I hit the same rotation again)
This rotation is not getting easier. I am not sleeping well. I get red faced and chills and generally gross feeling in the evenings. My head is foggy nearly all the time and it hurts too. My eyesight is worse. My eyes are more tired. Harder to read when I'm lying in bed. I'm having nightmares.
I'm taking the Cowden protocol's Zeolyte HP for heavy metal detox too - every third night - and that often is what puts me over the edge both symptom and nightmare-wise. The last dose I dreamt about being chased and slashed with a knife. Over and over again to all different parts of my body. I would wake up, realize I was dreaming, and fall back asleep and keep dreaming the same dream. Erg.
The light at the end of the tunnel here is that my next rotation is Samento and Banderol. Ooooo hooo hooo! If I have a chance of feeling good on any of the antimicrobials, Samento/Banderol are the ticket! AND... bonus of bonuses... it should coincide with the Christmas holidays. How nice would that be to have a chance at feeling a bit better while my kiddos and dear hub are off for the holidays.
I have gratitude for all the other people out there who are courageously keeping on in their own journeys too. People with chronic lyme, people with other chronic illnesses, people with entirely different issues that are challenging them beyond what they ever dreamed they would have to handle. Yet handle it we do. All inspirational. And I'll take all the inspiration I can get. :)
I've now hit 27 drops of the houttunyia/enula. Yippee. (Sarcasm, yes). And despite that I've been going at this for over a month, I've decided to keep going until I hit the 30 drops I was supposed to start the rotation with. (!) Hoping to achieve this in another week or so. Which makes me realize that I had better up the dosage to 28 drops this afternoon. (Sipping my 27 drop before-lunch concoction right now as I type...).
Oh joy, joy, joy.
So... it has really not been fun. Is it always this horrendous??!! (I think it probably is... and then I conveniently, or more likely lyme-brain-foggily, forget how bad it has been until I hit the same rotation again)
This rotation is not getting easier. I am not sleeping well. I get red faced and chills and generally gross feeling in the evenings. My head is foggy nearly all the time and it hurts too. My eyesight is worse. My eyes are more tired. Harder to read when I'm lying in bed. I'm having nightmares.
I'm taking the Cowden protocol's Zeolyte HP for heavy metal detox too - every third night - and that often is what puts me over the edge both symptom and nightmare-wise. The last dose I dreamt about being chased and slashed with a knife. Over and over again to all different parts of my body. I would wake up, realize I was dreaming, and fall back asleep and keep dreaming the same dream. Erg.
The light at the end of the tunnel here is that my next rotation is Samento and Banderol. Ooooo hooo hooo! If I have a chance of feeling good on any of the antimicrobials, Samento/Banderol are the ticket! AND... bonus of bonuses... it should coincide with the Christmas holidays. How nice would that be to have a chance at feeling a bit better while my kiddos and dear hub are off for the holidays.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
you never really know
So here I am a month in on my houttunyia/enula rotation. And it's been tough. I've just hit 25 drops (started at 20). I haven't been sleeping well, there has been indigestion. Belching - ugh! My intestines feel out of whack. And I am going SLOW. My brain fog is up and my fatigue is higher than the previous month. I want to cry a lot. I feel down and of course everything then feels harder.
Then two nights ago, I went to bed feeling okay, and actually slept through the entire night! Without waking up 2 hours after falling asleep.... like I regularly do because of discomfort throughout my body.
So why the shift? I don't really know - it could have been a fluke. It could be that my body is finally getting used to this rotation and not reacting as badly. That happens with time. However... I am a little extra curious... as I am doing an exchange with a friend of a friend. I'm helping her with Nutrition and she is giving me Access Consciousness sessions. She 'ran the bars' for me for my first time ever on the day I slept through the night. I have done a lot of energy work in the past - some learning myself and I have also gone for various treatments. Reiki, reconnection, allergy energy work, Chinese medicine, etc. This one was a new one for me me. And it felt a bit different. Very light and gentle.
At the end of the session I did not feel profoundly different - although definitely 'lighter' and happier. I smiled for a long time afterwards. (Which was great in contrast to the 12 hours I had spent pretty much non-stop crying a couple of days before that!!!).
So yes, the night after my Access Consciousness session is the night I slept through. And then I had a good day afterwards. I even cleaned out closets and decluttered - AFTER dinner! I never have energy like that after dinner. I ended up red faced and feeling a bit woozy - as usual. But I did it. It felt great.
Then I went to bed last night, had trouble falling asleep, did not feel well at all while trying to fall asleep (itching like there were bugs all over me, general aches, chills and discomfort) and I did not sleep well again - woke a few times feeling gross. So back to the regular ol' houttunyia/enula rotation pattern. Weird.
I'm really interested to see if the next time I have an energy session I see such a difference again.
Then two nights ago, I went to bed feeling okay, and actually slept through the entire night! Without waking up 2 hours after falling asleep.... like I regularly do because of discomfort throughout my body.
So why the shift? I don't really know - it could have been a fluke. It could be that my body is finally getting used to this rotation and not reacting as badly. That happens with time. However... I am a little extra curious... as I am doing an exchange with a friend of a friend. I'm helping her with Nutrition and she is giving me Access Consciousness sessions. She 'ran the bars' for me for my first time ever on the day I slept through the night. I have done a lot of energy work in the past - some learning myself and I have also gone for various treatments. Reiki, reconnection, allergy energy work, Chinese medicine, etc. This one was a new one for me me. And it felt a bit different. Very light and gentle.
At the end of the session I did not feel profoundly different - although definitely 'lighter' and happier. I smiled for a long time afterwards. (Which was great in contrast to the 12 hours I had spent pretty much non-stop crying a couple of days before that!!!).
So yes, the night after my Access Consciousness session is the night I slept through. And then I had a good day afterwards. I even cleaned out closets and decluttered - AFTER dinner! I never have energy like that after dinner. I ended up red faced and feeling a bit woozy - as usual. But I did it. It felt great.
Then I went to bed last night, had trouble falling asleep, did not feel well at all while trying to fall asleep (itching like there were bugs all over me, general aches, chills and discomfort) and I did not sleep well again - woke a few times feeling gross. So back to the regular ol' houttunyia/enula rotation pattern. Weird.
I'm really interested to see if the next time I have an energy session I see such a difference again.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Parenting with chronic Lyme disease
A friend shared this article on parenting with chronic illness with me and it really struck a chord. Made me want to weep with empathy for all going through this type of experience. Made me want to be gentler on myself. Be easier on my family.
I would imagine that the people most of us with chronic illness are surrounded by are those that are well. I have no illusions that this is life and everyone is going through something - of course we all are! But those of us ill and mostly housebound probably see a lot of others around us that can still actively parent their kids. I sure do. I don't have anyone in my neighbourhood or circle of friends that I see regularly that are dealing with what our family is. We see moms and dads that leave the house with their kids. A lot! That volunteer at school. That take their kids out to do sports and piano lessons. Parents who regularly socialize with other families and have all their kids hang out together. Parents who take family vacations and go to the mall with their kids. Parents who can afford to get a babysitter once in awhile so they can go out and enjoy themselves. And when they do go out, not feel so sick that they have to fight through it to enjoy themselves.
It's not that I am not crazy happy to be here. I'm so grateful to still be on this earth and to be able to be here for my kids in the capacity that I am. I see them every day. I hug them and kiss them. I talk to them. I've even been taking them to swimming lessons. This is huge, massive, fantastic. I am in love with it.
But sometimes, there is that natural overwhelm that slaps me in the face as I am constantly reminded what I can't do for them - that all their friends' parents seem to be doing. My kids weren't allowed to have playdates at our house for several years because I didn't have the energy to supervise and I couldn't handle the noise and chaos. They lost friendships because of it. Now they are allowed one once a month or so. This is hard on them for the lack and hard on me for the effort. And I'm too strict when they have playdates because I still can't handle noise and chaos! We don't do sleepovers for the same reasons. And I'm grumpy, a lot. I wish I wasn't, but I'm tired and in pain and have trouble standing up a fair bit of the time still (lightheadedness/dizzy). Then there are the meds that bring on anxiety and rage. (Fun!) I'm also not at work so we just don't have the cash to do the 'cool' birthday parties or buy them the latest clothes or toys. Not that I was ever a huge believer in that sort of stuff - but sometimes it would be nice for them. I never volunteer at school because I soooo can't.
My kids hear 'No' all the time. You thought a 2 year old's 'No's' were over the top? Try me! 'Mom, can you help me with my homework?" "Mom, can you do this craft with me?" "Mom, can you make me a snack?" "Mom, can you read this book with me?" "Mom, can you play this game with me?". It saddens and embarrasses me to an extent that most of the time they don't even ask me these questions anymore. Because I almost always say No.
So that can get me down. Can you imagine reading those statements before becoming a parent and thinking Oh yes, sign me up! Can't wait to be such a horrible parent to these poor kids! Oh the therapy they will need when they grow up! Dysfunction - bring it on!
So I consciously pull myself out of these thoughts once again. I'm here. I exist in their lives. I can listen to them on a daily basis - maybe on my terms, but I can. On the rare occasions I can pull myself together to play a game with them or read to them, then I do. I embrace those times and go for it and it's amazing. With all the knowledge I have gained as I heal, I am teaching them how to take good care of their bodies. To hear their bodies. I'm teaching them that it's not money or popularity or stuff that matters. We don't need any of that. It can be fun sometimes, sure. The people around us can got caught up in it and make us think we need it too. But it's not what true happiness is built on. These lessons come up over and over again.
I'm blessed to have these fabulous kids in my life. They are a ginormous part of what keeps me going. Like the woman in the article says - faith, family. These are the biggies for me too. I just hope the good that I'm teaching these dear children outweighs the negativity they face on a daily basis. I really do.
I would imagine that the people most of us with chronic illness are surrounded by are those that are well. I have no illusions that this is life and everyone is going through something - of course we all are! But those of us ill and mostly housebound probably see a lot of others around us that can still actively parent their kids. I sure do. I don't have anyone in my neighbourhood or circle of friends that I see regularly that are dealing with what our family is. We see moms and dads that leave the house with their kids. A lot! That volunteer at school. That take their kids out to do sports and piano lessons. Parents who regularly socialize with other families and have all their kids hang out together. Parents who take family vacations and go to the mall with their kids. Parents who can afford to get a babysitter once in awhile so they can go out and enjoy themselves. And when they do go out, not feel so sick that they have to fight through it to enjoy themselves.
It's not that I am not crazy happy to be here. I'm so grateful to still be on this earth and to be able to be here for my kids in the capacity that I am. I see them every day. I hug them and kiss them. I talk to them. I've even been taking them to swimming lessons. This is huge, massive, fantastic. I am in love with it.
But sometimes, there is that natural overwhelm that slaps me in the face as I am constantly reminded what I can't do for them - that all their friends' parents seem to be doing. My kids weren't allowed to have playdates at our house for several years because I didn't have the energy to supervise and I couldn't handle the noise and chaos. They lost friendships because of it. Now they are allowed one once a month or so. This is hard on them for the lack and hard on me for the effort. And I'm too strict when they have playdates because I still can't handle noise and chaos! We don't do sleepovers for the same reasons. And I'm grumpy, a lot. I wish I wasn't, but I'm tired and in pain and have trouble standing up a fair bit of the time still (lightheadedness/dizzy). Then there are the meds that bring on anxiety and rage. (Fun!) I'm also not at work so we just don't have the cash to do the 'cool' birthday parties or buy them the latest clothes or toys. Not that I was ever a huge believer in that sort of stuff - but sometimes it would be nice for them. I never volunteer at school because I soooo can't.
My kids hear 'No' all the time. You thought a 2 year old's 'No's' were over the top? Try me! 'Mom, can you help me with my homework?" "Mom, can you do this craft with me?" "Mom, can you make me a snack?" "Mom, can you read this book with me?" "Mom, can you play this game with me?". It saddens and embarrasses me to an extent that most of the time they don't even ask me these questions anymore. Because I almost always say No.
So that can get me down. Can you imagine reading those statements before becoming a parent and thinking Oh yes, sign me up! Can't wait to be such a horrible parent to these poor kids! Oh the therapy they will need when they grow up! Dysfunction - bring it on!
So I consciously pull myself out of these thoughts once again. I'm here. I exist in their lives. I can listen to them on a daily basis - maybe on my terms, but I can. On the rare occasions I can pull myself together to play a game with them or read to them, then I do. I embrace those times and go for it and it's amazing. With all the knowledge I have gained as I heal, I am teaching them how to take good care of their bodies. To hear their bodies. I'm teaching them that it's not money or popularity or stuff that matters. We don't need any of that. It can be fun sometimes, sure. The people around us can got caught up in it and make us think we need it too. But it's not what true happiness is built on. These lessons come up over and over again.
I'm blessed to have these fabulous kids in my life. They are a ginormous part of what keeps me going. Like the woman in the article says - faith, family. These are the biggies for me too. I just hope the good that I'm teaching these dear children outweighs the negativity they face on a daily basis. I really do.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Happy Halloween :)
I've switched to my Houttunyia/Enula rotation and it is kicking my butt a bit. On just 20 drops. But this is always my roughest rotation so I'm not shocked. Feels like I'm on Benadryl and Red Bull at the same time. Exhausted but strung out. Feeling drunk in my head when I attempt to converse with anyone. Oh well. So be it.
Nevertheless, I've been on this rotation a few days now and it's getting a little less intense. Managed a good nap yesterday and a wee one today (unlike the days/nights before - exhausted but pounding heart/wired feeling). And then yesterday, on Halloween, I made dinner and was also able to totally enjoy handing out candy to all the trick-or-treaters. Chatted with parents, stood outside and watched the wonder of the night... beautiful, normal-people kind of stuff.
Two hours of trick-or-treaters at the door later, dear hubby and youngest daughter got home lugging a boatload of candy. This child had never lasted so long in previous years - so she was pretty proud and pretty pumped. The three of us took some time to catch up on each others' nights and then I ventured out for a little walk. Time to enjoy all the decorations and cool jack-o-lantern carvings myself!
I strolled slowly around our block, appreciating the Halloween enthusiasm clearly expressed in the neighbourhood, and even had a good chat with a woman I hadn't seen in a few months along the way.
Shortly after I arrived home, my eldest was dropped off - she had been trick-or-treating with her friends in another neighbourhood. So the mom and I caught up a bit, standing on the front porch in the beautiful night. It was close to 9pm at this point - and I was still standing!
All in all, I didn't get to bed til around 10:30 and then was too wired to sleep - a combo of everything that went on, but mostly the potent houttunyia! I finally was able to fall asleep around midnight.
I was tired this morning, but okay. Really okay.
I like this soooooo much! My hope is high these days! I may not be out of the woods, but I don't feel like I'm hopelessly lost in the scariest, darkest bits of it any longer. Lyme can still frighten the pants off me if I think about it enough, but I'm focusing way too much on living to care right now.
Nevertheless, I've been on this rotation a few days now and it's getting a little less intense. Managed a good nap yesterday and a wee one today (unlike the days/nights before - exhausted but pounding heart/wired feeling). And then yesterday, on Halloween, I made dinner and was also able to totally enjoy handing out candy to all the trick-or-treaters. Chatted with parents, stood outside and watched the wonder of the night... beautiful, normal-people kind of stuff.
Two hours of trick-or-treaters at the door later, dear hubby and youngest daughter got home lugging a boatload of candy. This child had never lasted so long in previous years - so she was pretty proud and pretty pumped. The three of us took some time to catch up on each others' nights and then I ventured out for a little walk. Time to enjoy all the decorations and cool jack-o-lantern carvings myself!
I strolled slowly around our block, appreciating the Halloween enthusiasm clearly expressed in the neighbourhood, and even had a good chat with a woman I hadn't seen in a few months along the way.
Shortly after I arrived home, my eldest was dropped off - she had been trick-or-treating with her friends in another neighbourhood. So the mom and I caught up a bit, standing on the front porch in the beautiful night. It was close to 9pm at this point - and I was still standing!
All in all, I didn't get to bed til around 10:30 and then was too wired to sleep - a combo of everything that went on, but mostly the potent houttunyia! I finally was able to fall asleep around midnight.
I was tired this morning, but okay. Really okay.
I like this soooooo much! My hope is high these days! I may not be out of the woods, but I don't feel like I'm hopelessly lost in the scariest, darkest bits of it any longer. Lyme can still frighten the pants off me if I think about it enough, but I'm focusing way too much on living to care right now.
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